Tinselman

Uber-Brain Inky Madness

left to right: Gopher Boy Wilmey, Brad Pitt (after disfiguring surgery), Angelina, thug 1, Inky, thug 2

Hell in a Handbasket, Part 3 – Octobrain

We've got problems, citizens. Recently I recieved a note from Cog, a concerned citizen, a portion of which went as followed:

My spider (also Minister of Defense at Museum of Dust) has been missing for some time. I've instigated a world-wide web search for him but no luck to date.

Inky very much enjoys travel in imaginary countries and has a penchant for uncalled-for violence and unnecessary mayhem. RoT seems like the perfect haven for him.

So, if you've seen my spider please tell him we need him -- I'm beside myself, the sponge-cats are restive and the staff are revolting.

IMPORTANT. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CAPTURE, COERCE OR TAMPER WITH THE SPIDER.

He has a large arsenal,  many arms, and a very short temper.

Typically I'd read something like this with a good deal of skepticism. Not this time. Instead I felt a knot forming in the pit of my stomach and, almost immediately, I recalled what I had been trying for so long to forget. Octobrain!

Yes, of course I'm talking about the final episode of Hell in Handbasket and our harrowing escape from the U.S. aliens. To be quite honest, I can't bear to go into all the details. But I can certainly fill you in on some of the more interesting parts!

For example, I'm almost certain we did see Inky. That's him above, between those two alien thugs. I like this shot because I managed to capture everyone (except me).

Super Gopher Boy Wilmey completely lived up to his name! That's him on the left, taken immediately after he burst through the doors and rescued me and Angelina. Wow... what a powerhouse! (By the way, he didn't want me to take his photo, but I said it was history in the making... plus I wanted it for the blog).

Oh yeah... this is that Octobrain jerk. That's what we all called him: Octobrain. But the thugs called him "Dr. Uber-Brain" or just plain "Inky". As you can see, he's not exactly a spider but I'm still almost certain that this is the Inky that Cog lost... in a bloated sort of way. As Cog explained to me, "his defining feature is his beautiful eyes... once seen, never forgotten." I can't think of a more apt description of Octobrain. He practically hyptonized with his powerful stare and he seemed to have no trouble hypnotizing Brad (Pitt).

Oh this Octobrain was hideous. And I'm not just talking physically... he seem to so long ago have lost all semblance of a soul. You know the type: Darth Vaderish. Maybe worse... Emperor Palpatine-ish! Except Emperor Palpatine didn't live in a spherical tank and eat humans for dinner! Worst of all (and I'm sure Cog will be bitterly disapointed to hear this) Octobrain was the mastermind behind the U.S. alien invasion! It was all his planning! His idea! Which leads one to wonder what other U.S. invasions he's planned.

Gopher Boy finally got fed up and made a courageous (but rather foolhardy) attempt to smash Octobrain's glass globe. Unfortunately he only achieved a sore hand before he was beat to a bluddy pulp by the nearest thug. But the distraction did provide us with our means of escape!

To make a long story short, we eventually found an handy escape pod. It was very cool... just like Star Wars.

At the end of the day, I don't think we're any better off. Inky is still out there and we're still at war. Megophias Megophias! Resist the Invasion! Long live the Republic! Long Live the Khan! (me)

Sincerely,
Your illustrious Khan

• More about Inky

Outrage in the Republic

Dear proud and loyal citizens. I was not prepared for this onslaught. When M.O.D.s failed in their attempt to provide the Republic of Tinselman with a simple uniform, I stepped up to the plate and designed the uniform myself... with the purest of intentions. I thought my citizens would rejoice. Instead you hurl accusations at me! Yes... you, my loyal citizens! You accuse your Khan!

You were outraged. And now I have responded... the uniforms must be available to all citizens. New two-color versions  have now been created... at low prices ($19.80). And I've lowered the price of the three-color versions (w/silver letters) to about as low as they will possibly go ($24.80).

Visit the Tinselwear store to take a look.

Sincerely,
Your Khan

Under the Ever-Evolving Tinselman Rainbow

Here me, my dear Citizens! Our Illustrious Magnanimous Khan (me) makes a bold proclamation to all! It is time for the Republic of Tinselman to grow, to change, to evolve (and finally get off this blog). We must no longer be a lone voice, crying in the wilderness! We must no longer be a lonely Khan! It is time for citizens to take the power into their own hands, regardless of the consequences! This is a nation! Power to our people!

And I'm absolutely thrilled to say that Super Gopher Boy Wilmey has recently been the first minister (and loyal citizen) to heed the call and spontaneously create his own Republic of Tinselman web adjunct.

I warn you: it's his own weird brand of the Republic (and it's history) but it's more than anyone else has done! So... bravo Wilmey! Much more of this and we'll soon defeat our greatest enemy, Wikipedia!

Note: If you want to make contributions to Wilmey's website, just write him an email.

Test Your Tinselman Loyalty

Proud citizens! Have you dedicated yourself to the eradication of our various enemies? Have you pledged your loyalty to our great and all-powerful Khan? Do you worship the image and all-consuming power of Megophias Megophias (may it live forever)?

If so, then now's your chance to show your true Tinselman colors with the Official Republic of Tinselman Uniform! A must-have for any serious citizen (Wilmey already ordered up three dozen!).

An added bonus: the shirts are highly attractive, bordering on sexy. That tinsel-colored lettering works like a magnet

By popular demand, Bugfish t-shirts are also for sale. Enjoy it all at the Tinselwear store!

Note: These shirts are made by American Apparel and, yes, they're a bit more expensive then many of the cheaper brands made in sweatshops around the world. However, I think you'll be pleased to find that the American Apparel shirts are also of a much higher quality: they look fantastic and they refuse to wear out.

Also... please take a photo of yourself in one of these shirts (or both of them). I'll blog you!

No Cameras/No Recorders

Just another reminder... the admission into the Republic of Tinselman is FREE!

Hell in a Handbasket, Part 2 – The Abduction

Sorry for the delay folks. It all began, as I started to explain in my Stratego post, with that bright flash. Suddenly I was out like a light. The next thing I remembered, I was opening my eyes (after how long, I didn't know) to an indescribable sense of alertness. One thing was clear: I'd been drugged awake. The first thing I saw was a masked, aproned figure, wearing Darth Vader gloves and holding prongs over a strange machine-thing.

For whatever reason, it didn't occur to me that this was anything other than a silly Republic of Tinselman prank and, with that mask on, I just assumed it was Wilmey, still smarting over his lost game of Stratego.

"Okay already!" I said, "Sheesh, Wilmey! I always knew you were a little nuts, but you win already! Ha, ha! This is all really funny. But I'll forfeit my victory, if that's what this is all about!"

The reaction was not what I expected. He just stared at me for a bit and, with a screachy, German accent said, "Yah, I know you vill."

As he was laughing away like a mad man, I noticed a number of things all at once. First, I was strapped to a big metal table and couldn't move a muscle. Second, Angelina was on the table next to me and was still soundly asleep. Third, there were two of these U.S. alien-thug monsters standing in the corner. Eek! This was not one of Wilmey's cute little pranks! I'd been abducted by the U.S. spacemen and was now inside one of their flying saucers!

Of course my immediate thought was that I, the Khan, would receive some sort of royal immunity. I mean, what could really be the worst that could go wrong? Maybe I'd be banished to a desert island? It was almost a pleasant thought! I began pondering what type of island it might be! Maybe there'd be an old castle there. And maybe black sand beaches, covered with forests of wind-bent palms! And high-speed internet and fed-ex delivery.

I was lost in these delightful thoughts when suddenly I began to choke on my own spittle. A good deal of embarrassing coughing and slobbering ensued. This seemingly spontaneous reaction had been provoked by a red and yellow sign I'd just noticed that read, "Danger, High Radiation Area"!

My God! The mask! The protection! The tongs! The Darth Vader gloves! Suddenly it all made sense! And Angelina and I were being bombarded by who knows what!

Now carrying a small steel canister in a pair of tongs, the masked man walked toward the sleeping Angelina, saying, "Ve vill take care of your friend and zen ve vill take care of you."

"That's not a real accent is it?!" I protested, "You're just pretending to be that guy in Raiders of the Lost Ark!"

I paused, waiting to observe the impact of my accusation.

"Vell, you just pretend to be ze Khan... a Khan of stupid fake country! So ve pee on you!"

And I have to admit, that really stung. I wanted to say something that put him in his place... because no one talks to The Khan like that! But my mind was blank... that whole German accent thing was muddling my brain (or maybe it was just the high levels of radiation).

As he brought the cylinder closer, a cold steam fell away from it. It was scary. He carried it over to Angelina's side, unscrewed at a halfway point and, from the cold center of it, he lifted out a small steel syringe. Holding this ever so gingerly, he injected it into her arm.

"No!" I screamed "What are you doing to the Mother of the Republic! What are you injecting into her!" As if in answer, he switched on a small and rather antiquated monitor. At first the image was blurry and I could make nothing of it. But then I saw it clearly: the computerized chip planted beside her lungs! I shivered.

"Ve put ze isotope in for nazing but fun! Ha! Ve do za same to you already! Ve put our superized computer chip in you dayz ago. He he. You're all completely screwed... 'Khan.' Ha!"

"Hey," I yelled, and I felt a fury growing in me like the mounting fury of a lightning fireball caught in a room of mirrors, "You can't put chips in us! And what about the Geneva conventions? I swear we'll get you, you weirdo alien freaks!"

They just laughed. But it didn't matter. Because at that very moment Super-Gopher-Boy Wilmey burst through the door with none other than Brad (Pitt). They had no weapons but they had their raw and unfettered courage and I've never been so proud in my entire life!

I'll continue later with the rest of our harrowing story. And I have to say, after of all this, I think it's sad that we all continue to suffer. Not only has the outright trauma caused Brad and Angelina to start sleeping in seperate bedrooms but we also continued to be plagued by our many enemies on all fronts.

Till next time, I continued to be faithfully yours,
The Khan

Stay tuned for: Hell in a Handbasket, Part 3 – Octobrain

• The Khan Rants
• Hell in a Handbasket, Part 1 – Stratego
• Invader From the U.S.

All Previous Republic of Tinselman posts

The Khan Rants

Greetings to you again, my fair and loyal citizens.

Has the entire world lost its mind? I'm broken up inside, people. We have a viable Republic! With a capital "R"! We have a war (hell, we've had a couple of wars)! And we have official Republic of Tinselman celebrities, and stamps, flags, ministers, official seals, and on and on and on it goes... and still we're not officially "recognized". What gives? I'll tell you what gives... Those pea-brains (who refuse to recognize us) can't grasp the concept of a "Republic without borders"... a virtual Republic. They can't understand the beauty of a working Republic and loyal citizenry, all within the context of the web!

Sorry for such a sour note. I don't mean to getya down. I know I'm supposed to be Mr. Happy-happy-happy but hell, sometimes it just hurts inside and I gotta let it out. And besides, it's not so easy knowing you've just been abducted by weirdo U.S. military-alien-monsters. And knowing you've got some freaky hi-tech chips planted in your chest... that's not helping anything either!

Yes folks, that image up there is an x-ray of my chest. And if those mysterious orange circuits don't make you boiling hoping mad then you must be some sort of pervert sicko!

Get angry, citizens. Get furiously angrily furious! We have a struggle! We have a great and wonderful cause! We must use our shared Tinselmaniacal passion to fight back! And we will win! We will be recognized! The Republic of Tinselman will fulfill it's destiny!

Kind Regards,
The Khan

Hell in a Handbasket, Part 2 – The Abduction... coming soon

Hell in a Handbasket, Part 1 – Stratego

I am so mad! I am firey hot mad as as a white-hot-glowing-death-star-laser-beam-of-death mad! Everything has gone to hell in handbasket! Everything! The Republic of Tinselman is crumbling beneath our tiny little Tinselistic feet! Are we completely lost? Like little lost children, out on an ocean of... a place where people tend to get lost.

Harken unto me. Much has happened my precious citizens. Much has gone wrong.

In short, our uniforms still aren't ready, I got a damn alien chip planted in my chest, Brad and Angelina are no longer sleeping together, and Wikipedia is run by a bunch of egomaniacs that can't seem to grasp the larger picture!

Yes, it's true... the uniforms still aren't ready for our continuing war with the United States of America. As you probably already know, M.O.D.S. (otherwise known as Mothers of Dress & Safety) utterly blew it. So I took over and here's the insignia I designed for each shirt: (click to enlarge)

Looks pretty good, doesn't it? But there's a gigantimungo problem... Rupey (Rubert Murdoch), was going to line up the funds for the uniforms' bullet proof padding and, without that padding, the uniforms are pretty much useless. Rupey's response to this?... "Shortages of armor don't stem from a lack of money but are a matter of physics. The manufacturers of add-on armor are producing it as fast as humanly possible. You go to war with the Army you have, not the Army you might want or wish to have."

But that's just the beginning of our problems! There was also the abduction. Which, I can assure you, was one of the most terrifying moments of my life.

It all started rather suddenly. Wilmey and I were were playing Stratego. He was beginning to get a bit cocky so I threw a few lit fire-crackers onto the board and claimed immediate victory (because the Khan must always win)! While he was still nursing his burnt fingers, Brad and Angelina walked in. That's right, citizens... none other than the Snake and the Roach! And need I remind you why we (figuratively) cast them out amoung the very lowest of the creeping, crawling beasts? Because they abandoned us in the time of our greatest need (immediately before the U.S. attacked)!

Angelina spoke first: "Khan Robyn, we've been so broken up over this! Please take us back! What we did was totally twisted! And wrong. I don't know what got into us! This whole Republic of Tinselman thing is our life! There must be a way to make it up to everyone... and repay the Republic for what we've done!"

"Stop it!" I yelled. "Just don't even say these things to me! You Hollywood creeps. How could you have done this to us? You lowly worms! You un-tinselistic ugly person (even though you are physically quite attractive)! You were the mother of the Republic! They trusted you! Wilmey trusted you! Here amongst us, you were something more than glamor and pouty lips... and now––"

This is as far as our conversation got. There was suddenly a flash. Everything went black and I remembered no more.

I'm tired of even writing this. The subject wears me. I'll continue the story when my Khan-like energy has returned.

Sincerely,
The Khan

(Stay tuned for Hell in a Handbasket, Part 2 – The Abduction)

• Previous Republic of Tinselman posts

Report From the Field 3

Report from: Emanuel, Lead Designer of M.O.D.S.

Hi darlings! Well, as you know, we're working our fingers to the bone trying to design a little something for the Republic of Tinselman battling... and oh, it sounds so delightful. And I think we've come up with the most delicious little outfits. You're going to just love them. Of course nothing is actually finished yet; we've only mocked up an idea or two... I like to call them "sketches." But some of them give me goosebumbs... they're just so original. So "out there," if you know what I mean.

Those first little outfits up above were inspired by our hero, Super Gopher-Boy Wilmey. And he sounds like such a man! The red hair... everything, darling. We just went crazy with it. We think it completely works for your little fighter-people, men, women... and it is simply wow!

Oh, and look at this delightful little morsel. I could munch it down whole! We call it the Roller Coaster. And who knows... it may work as camouflage!

This precious thing I did myself. Yum! It's called Albino Faun. I can see all of you dashing and dancing around in these... oh it will be just scrumptious (you know that don't you)?

Ah... I'm in ecstasy! Enraptured! Bliss, bliss, bliss! And I'm sure the wheel will end up being functional in some way or another. But you must admit, it's simply delicious!

This is one of our camouflage attempts. Need I say more?

And finally, we end on one of my favorite, most extraordinary designs. From the headpiece, a flowing sheer cloth drapes the body – a cloth which can change colors according to mood! What's more, eating utensils can be hung around the rim of the cloth. It's smashing, darling, simply smashing.

They're all so mouthwatering; I simply can't choose. I want to dig my teeth into all of them! Then spit them out and eat them again! Oh, I just can't wait for you to choose so we can start the manufactoring process for the Republic of Tinselman Army!

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Report From the Field 2

Report from: Mark

I was at home, sweeping the fireplace, on the night of the 3rd Annual Tinselgala Costume Party. Suddenly I heard a deafening sucking-noise coming from outside, and rushed to the window. Out in the streets, everything from citizens to trees to Wienermobiles was being uprooted and sucked up into the sky. Meanwhile, travelling in the opposite direction, enormous green (and seemingly performance-enhanced) monsters were falling down from the sky.

I was just wondering if one of them would collide with a Weinermobile, when there was a knock on the door. A kind old lady with 'M.O.D.S.' hand-embroidered on her blazer stood at my doorstep, carrying a bundle of clothes.

"Are you my fairy godmother?" I asked.

"Hurry, put these on!" she urged, shoving the bundle into my arms before she too was suddenly sucked skywards.

Unfortunately I never got to see, let alone try on, my new uniform. . . . the suction had temporarily stopped, and with a loud thud one of the green monsters landed right in my front garden. When I saw the stars-and-stripes insignia on his chest, my first thought was NSK - but no! It was the US!!

"This is a raid!" came the loudspeaker. The flag on the monster's chest opened up, and legions of soldiers poured out onto the lawn. I closed the door, just as it was being blasted off its hinges, and ran upstairs.

"Megophias, Megophias, we know you're in there!" shouted one of the soldiers, first in American English, then in Arabic.

I peered round the corner at the top of the stairs, and the scene before me sent a shiver of familiarity down my spine. Where had I seen all this before? And then I realised - they were re-enacting, down to the last detail, page three hundred and sixty-six of the 2003 novel 'Absolute Friends' by British author John LeCarre.

I'm writing this from my attic. Those folks downstairs are still on the rampage. The worst part is, I never got to see the Official Uniform of the Republic of Tinselman. Can anyone help?