Tinselman

The Mysterious Silver Tinsel Weed

As Tinselman (and the founder of the Republic of Tinselman), I'm always on the lookout for all things tinsel (and wondrously tinselistic). Which is why I ran across flickr photographer Cobalt 123 and his mysterious silver tinsel weed. He noticed the tinsel while wandering through the Tonto National Forest, in Arizona. As he says...

This is the first photo of many I shot of this amazing "tinsel" plant I found hiking around in the near dark. It was so shiny and silver that it caught my eye. I really thought it was trash of some sort and was amazed to find it was part of the plant. Any ideas on what this could be?

Other than these few flickr photos, I've found no other references to tinsel weed.

click photos to enlarge (flickr link)

Join Us Or Be Destroyed

Republic of Tinselman engineers are currently slaving away on an army of miniature killer-robots. Aren't they perfectly lovely? Now we're just searching for the ideal enemy.

(thanks Eleri)

The Odious Mini-Wikis

Bad news, citizens! While Wilmey and Angelina were wasting my precious time with news of their "performance", the wikipedians have not rested one moment. And thanks to the loyal spy work of patriotic citizen, Paula Deen, we now know exactly what they're up to!

I want all of you to know: citizen Deen gave her life for this story – she expired soon after returning from the field. We will no longer hear the wandering stories of her sons, Bobby and Jamie, nor will we ever again taste her sweet, southern home cooking.

<lusty cheers and all-around drunken behavior from the Republic of Tinselman masses>

Instead, we will taste revenge!!! Argh!!!

<lusty cheers and all-around drunken behavior from the Republic of Tinselman masses>

I can't exactly quote Deen, because it even took us awhile to figure out what the hell she was jabbering on about. From the best we could tell, it kind of goes like this: the wikipedians have created a clandestine agency and have been planning an attack against the Republic of Tinselman for a long time. Their plan is pure genius! They've bred an army of what they call the mini-wikis: miniature, hideously monstrous, virtually indestructible beings which will invade our dearest Republic of Tinselman, whilst riding on miniature, super-powered motorcycles (which are engineered out of recycled wristwatch parts).

So the question remains: how do we fight back? How does a fledgling nation of brave souls defend and overcome the hordes of depraved wikipedians (and their odious mini-wikis)?

In an earlier post, Minister Ren had an inspired idea (and oh, how I wish it were my own own!): replace the emblem of the wikipedia federation with something that will drive them all absolutely bonkers. Responding to Ren's idea, citizen Akiyoshki seems to have come up with the perfect thing (though he died doing it):

At the above miniaturized size, our newly re-designed wikipedia emblem is perfectly harmless, but, at actual size, it can send any weak-minded being into convulsive fits, followed by total insanity (or death) in a matter of only seconds. I warn you, do not enlarge the image... unless you think you can handle it.

So we all agree it's a really great logo, right?... but we've still got an enormous problem: we have no idea how to sneak our emblem onto the wikipedia site.

And even now, the odious mini-wikis are approaching our boarders! We must do something! Quickly!...

The Great Khan Opens

Dear citizens of the Republic, I was awakened by a call from our most heroic minister of all, Super Gopher Boy Wilmey. "Yo... Khan," he said, "Me and the mother are hanging at the Great Khan, and we're totally diggin' it! It's all so wow-magical! Woah-hey!!! What I'm about to tell you, baby, is gonna totally going to blow your frickin' frackin' mind! Man-dude!"

"The mother?" I asked. It was four in the morning and I'd been up the previous night until the wee hours watching entertaining and informative television programs (like The Jeffersons and Full House).

"Yeah, you know, the mother of the Republic: Angelina. And she's got a new squeeze now; he's here too, baby, but I can't tell you about that, because it's still sort of hush-hush and, of course, it's all part of the performance, ya know?" And of course I didn't know. So it really bugged me when he and Angelina began giggling and giggling (in that high-pitched giggling voice, which is especially annoying).

I sat up and wiped my eyes. "What's going on over there with you two?! What performance?! I swear, Wilmey... I swear, I'm gonna--!" but I couldn't think of anything. And besides, I suddenly had a much better idea...

I ripped the entire phone right off the wall and I stuffed it with loads of M-80's (I had to use a hammer to crush as many of them in there as humanly possible). Then I put the phone inside my television set. How absolutely ingenious! Ah... I finally felt a bit of relief...

Or so I thought. Ten minutes later, my cell phone rang... I'd forgotten about my cell phone. And it was Wilmey! His first words? "Wait! Don't hang up! This is mega-totally-tinselistically important! You gotta hear it!" So I waited...

"Great," he said, "Remember From Emergence to Inferno? This is going to be so much better! And it's live! A live performance! Get it? In fact, we've even built an exclusive theater called the 'Great Khan'... named after you of course, and I think we're really going to pack 'em in on this one. I'm talking droves and droves of loyal citizens of the Republic!""

"Named after me?" I thought maybe he'd gotten something wrong. But after this, he ended up getting so excited about their "secret project" that he suddenly transformed into his gopher-boy form, and I couldn't get a thing out of him: all he could do was make useless grunting sounds.

Fortunately, Angelina took the phone and the whole story became clear. They basic matter of their play will deal with the ongoing war between the Republic of Tinselman and wikipedia (our greatest enemies). It is being written by none other than Angelina Jolie and Super Gopher Boy Wilmey, and will star Angelina, Wilmey, and another chosen but, as of yet, unannounced actor. As Angelina said to me, "We want this other actor's presence to be, not just a surprise, but almost something of a downright shock." She said, "When I first met him – when I looked into his eyes – something wonderful happened – something beyond wow-magicalness; I not only knew he was the one for part, I also knew he was the one for me: more than Brad, more than Billy Bob: there's such a deepness, a thoughtfulness; he is the very essence of manliness and raw sexuality (even though he's a bit chubby around the edges... but we'll have to work on that)."

I obviously wanted to meet this powerhouse of a human being, but it seems he's recently buried himself deep below the surface of the earth, where he's now in the delicate pupa stage of transformation (how curious). Fortunately this should all be over in another week or two... just in time for opening night!

"Listen Angelina," I said, trying to encourage her, "I totally appreciate your spirit and so on and blah blah blah, but I'm the Khan, and what I say goes, and right now we have some serious war mongering--"

Too late... there was a dial tone on the other end.

Oh well... they've got me curious anyway. And they did name the theater after me.

• Previous Republic of Tinselman posts

I Smell War... Again!

Dearest people of the Repulbic (of Tinselman)... warning! Strange things are afoot. Just the other day, this video was sent to us (and by "us", I'm simply refering to my own Khanly amazingness, which is probably as freakishly great as Obiwan, or Gandolf the white, in the second Lord of the Rings movie, when you first see him, and he's glowing like a white, glowing god, and everyone has to blind their eyes – the mere sight of him is awe-inspiring... that's how tinselistic wow-magical I've become! In fact, I even speak with a deeper voice! Downright thunderous! And grown men faint when I pass! I am the Tinselkhan!)

So anyway, an anonymous source sent this video to me and, of course, my first reaction was uncontrolled laughter. What a great prank to play; I wish I'd thought of it myself! I was relaxed and happy, until I realized that the "offended" car was my own!... parked directly in front of our RoP London embassy building.

I can only come to one conclusion. This direct attack on my car was by none other than our greatest and most longstanding enemy: the wikipedians. Have you read their entry on fireworks?!... it makes me want to puke! Who else would be equipped for such an attack?! They have struck at the heart of our Republic (I really loved that car... I mean, it was like zen-and-the-art-of-car type of love... It only had 13,000 miles on it, and I was about to install a new sound system and everything. Quad speakers, the works, so I guess I saved some dough on the sound system, but still, I'm pretty pissed about the car itself).

So we're striking back. I'm not sure how. We will be subtle. We will be move like a graceful dancer (or many of them, moving together, gracefully), and we will strike. But not with fireworks. (anyone have any good ideas?)

By the way, we won the war against the Museum of Dust! I'm not sure what happened, but I think, after they chased us into space, they made a wrong turn or something, and got lost. That pretty much spelled their demise: it wasn't long before they were captured by aliens and placed into jars of formaldehyde!... (at last we see their true forms!)

Note: Do not believe what you read on their website. It is full of misinformation and lies!

Multidimensional Khan

Citizens of the Republic of Tinselman,

A few months ago, a dedicated "away team" of thrill seeking adventurers devoted themselves a great cause: seeking out our lost Khan! This didn't go so well. Running out of fuel and and crashing their ship wasn't the worst; things really took a downward turn when their intrepid leader, William Shatner, shriveled up into a fetal position and began sucking his thumb.

But now we can finally ignore them! We have at last discovered the precise location of our great and illustrious Khan (may he forever be surrounded by his five celestial Khanettes). It turns out, we were altogether looking in the wrong place! He's somehow moved into alternate dimension, and, in the process, he has changed form and become a higher being. Transcended! But we've been lucky enough to capture his image (above).

Khan, we worship you. We bow before your throne, and before the angelic beauty of the Khanettes. Guide us against our enemies. You are our rock! Our hope! Our multidimensional mustached King of beauty and light!

photo © 2006 by mikerosebery

Manuscript of the Republic

Click image to enlarge

If we, of the Republic of Tinselman, had our way, our capital city would be housed in a gigantic spherical structure, where plaster dinosaurs kept vigilant watch alongside boulevards of dripstone.

But alas, our hope for such greatness were dashed to pieces, when our first attempt at a city was set ablaze, and our Saviour Khan vanished beyond the far reaches of the galaxy. Now, in his absence, we are but left to dream.

And so, to aid us in our dreams, we turn to the Journal of Ride Theory Omnibus. Why? Because it's utterly cool and freakin' amazing! In short, it'll blow your mind. It's nothing less than a Manual to Tinselistic Wow-Magicical! But... bear in mind, we must do everything possible to keep this manuscript out of the hands of our enemies! It will unquestionably stretch their imaginations into unknown territory. It may give them the power to finally destroy us.

Images from Journal of Ride Theory Omnibus, Edited by Dan Howland. Copyright©2004 Ride Theory Press.

Notes From Mount St. Tinsel

War With the Museum

Left: Museum of Dust, Right: Republic of Tinselman

Well Citizens, just when our scars are beginning to heal from our Hell in a Handbasket ordeal, along comes cog to pour salt in our wounds. Or should I say, pour ink over our linen? Or should I say, squirt ink all into our faces and blind us, like prey, while she slowly moves in for the kill, her mouth dripping, hungry for human flesh?

Yes, I'm talking about Cog of the Museum of Dust, with whom we've held correspondance for some time. Recently Cog has made the most disturbing accusations aimed at our Republic, many aimed directly toward your illustrious Khan's (and that's me) own powers of observation! And I tried to be nice, folks. Even though I was a firey ball of Khanish fury! I tried to be nice as I wrote her a letter which addressed all her sickening accusations! Here is that letter (slightly edited to shorten):

Dearest Cog,

Why deny what you know to be true? Are you frightened? I understand. We all understand. However, I think it's time to face the music and address the real issues. Namely, cephalopods don't have large torsos.

I am absolutely positive that the Inky we encountered was no squid. He was a mutated spider... one who delights in dining on the flesh of humans. I apologize if this comes as a shock to you. I assure you, it came as quite a shock to us.

Therefore, friend Cog, I am frankly a bit disturbed about many of the false claims you've made. You not only have accused me of dwelling obsessively on my own fate, you also have accused me of attempting to deflect suspicion from myself by creating an elaborate "alien invasion" ruse. All your false accusations almost make me wonder if you are the anonymous mastermind force behind the Inky that captured us! Perhaps you didn't loose Inky at all... perhaps you sent him on this hair-brained mission to attack us!

The Republic of Tinselman is a peaceful nation. But unless these violent accusations are rescinded (and then you publically say you're sorry), we will have to go after you with guns blazing. We will revoke your citizenship and invade the Museum of Dust.

Most sincerely,
Your Illustrious Khan

As you can plainly see, at this early point I was still giving The Museum of Dust a chance to eat humble pie. But no. Cog was too proud to stoop to that, and instead she kicked our Sponge Cat inspectors out of The Museum of Dust and formed an open aliance with the U.S. aliens!

It's unacceptable! Unacceptable! She had no right to kick our inspectors out!

But that's not all. We now have intelligence of an even more upsetting nature. As of last week I believed that Cog might be somehow a guiding force behind Inky. Our latest intelligence proves to us, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Cog is not only the mastermind force behind Inky... Cog is Inky. Cog herself IS Octobrain!... the mastermind behind the invasion!

Therefore citizens, I come to you declare war against Cog and her cohorts at the Museum of Dust. Which is really just a continuation of our war against the U.S.. And Wikipedia. And the N.S.K.. Why do we fight? For world peace! (And for Super Gopher Boy Wilmey)

Yeah, that's right. You may have not noticed but our Tinselistic hero, Super Gopher Boy Wilmey, has disapeared! Our I was just about to start the global search when I found him in the most unexpected place... Held hostage!

It's another one of Cog's tricks... damn her! Of course Cog disguises the photo by calling it a "Valley Pocket Gopher" but I'd know that pout anywhere (poor Wilmey). Gopher Boy it is, imprisoned by the Museum of Dust (though at least he looks well fed).

Well, not that there's much of anything we can do about it – we've just got so much going on right now – but at least our hearts go out to Gopher Boy!

Lastly, I thought you'd all enjoy this wonderful little photo. That's me in the center and co-mayors Brad and Angelina on both sides (the paparazzi are always after us). Of all things, I found it on the Museum of Dust blog... if she puts things like this on her blog she may have some trouble raising an military!

User comment: Minister Danxia just sent me this message:

With respect - O Khan! - but that the fellow between Brad and Angelina is, unmistakably, Rupert Murdoch (unless of course you are wearing a Rupey costume?) Thought I should raise this important issue ASAP.

Obviously, Danxia is dead wrong. It doesn't look anything like Rupey! And anyway... why would Rupey be hanging with my celebrities?! What would he be doing with his arm around Angelina... the Mother of the Republic!

I don't believe it. It must be me.

Shamed

Shocking news, citizens! I was just notified that the following message appeared on the Republic of Tinselman entry:

This article needs to be expanded. Though short, this article has some potential. Please expand into a full article. If this page is not expanded in 30 days, it may become a candidate for deletion.

After smashing my coffee cup against the wall – and oh, it is a good thing no one was there to see this tremendous anger – the anger of a Khan! – but after I finally settled down, I realized that, yeah... our Uncyclopedia entry might be a bit thin. There's just not much there. And after all we've been through! The invasion, Wilmey, megophias megophias, Rupey and then that hideous Inky creature! There's not even a mention of a "Khan".

Will the page be deleted? Probably so. And we will be further shamed. I leave that up to you... the citizens of this Republic. So edit away (and make this Republic proud)!