The Great Khan Opens

Dear citizens of the Republic, I was awakened by a call from our most heroic minister of all, Super Gopher Boy Wilmey. "Yo... Khan," he said, "Me and the mother are hanging at the Great Khan, and we're totally diggin' it! It's all so wow-magical! Woah-hey!!! What I'm about to tell you, baby, is gonna totally going to blow your frickin' frackin' mind! Man-dude!"

"The mother?" I asked. It was four in the morning and I'd been up the previous night until the wee hours watching entertaining and informative television programs (like The Jeffersons and Full House).

"Yeah, you know, the mother of the Republic: Angelina. And she's got a new squeeze now; he's here too, baby, but I can't tell you about that, because it's still sort of hush-hush and, of course, it's all part of the performance, ya know?" And of course I didn't know. So it really bugged me when he and Angelina began giggling and giggling (in that high-pitched giggling voice, which is especially annoying).

I sat up and wiped my eyes. "What's going on over there with you two?! What performance?! I swear, Wilmey... I swear, I'm gonna--!" but I couldn't think of anything. And besides, I suddenly had a much better idea...

I ripped the entire phone right off the wall and I stuffed it with loads of M-80's (I had to use a hammer to crush as many of them in there as humanly possible). Then I put the phone inside my television set. How absolutely ingenious! Ah... I finally felt a bit of relief...

Or so I thought. Ten minutes later, my cell phone rang... I'd forgotten about my cell phone. And it was Wilmey! His first words? "Wait! Don't hang up! This is mega-totally-tinselistically important! You gotta hear it!" So I waited...

"Great," he said, "Remember From Emergence to Inferno? This is going to be so much better! And it's live! A live performance! Get it? In fact, we've even built an exclusive theater called the 'Great Khan'... named after you of course, and I think we're really going to pack 'em in on this one. I'm talking droves and droves of loyal citizens of the Republic!""

"Named after me?" I thought maybe he'd gotten something wrong. But after this, he ended up getting so excited about their "secret project" that he suddenly transformed into his gopher-boy form, and I couldn't get a thing out of him: all he could do was make useless grunting sounds.

Fortunately, Angelina took the phone and the whole story became clear. They basic matter of their play will deal with the ongoing war between the Republic of Tinselman and wikipedia (our greatest enemies). It is being written by none other than Angelina Jolie and Super Gopher Boy Wilmey, and will star Angelina, Wilmey, and another chosen but, as of yet, unannounced actor. As Angelina said to me, "We want this other actor's presence to be, not just a surprise, but almost something of a downright shock." She said, "When I first met him – when I looked into his eyes – something wonderful happened – something beyond wow-magicalness; I not only knew he was the one for part, I also knew he was the one for me: more than Brad, more than Billy Bob: there's such a deepness, a thoughtfulness; he is the very essence of manliness and raw sexuality (even though he's a bit chubby around the edges... but we'll have to work on that)."

I obviously wanted to meet this powerhouse of a human being, but it seems he's recently buried himself deep below the surface of the earth, where he's now in the delicate pupa stage of transformation (how curious). Fortunately this should all be over in another week or two... just in time for opening night!

"Listen Angelina," I said, trying to encourage her, "I totally appreciate your spirit and so on and blah blah blah, but I'm the Khan, and what I say goes, and right now we have some serious war mongering--"

Too late... there was a dial tone on the other end.

Oh well... they've got me curious anyway. And they did name the theater after me.

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