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September 25, 2006

War With the Museum

Left: Museum of Dust, Right: Republic of Tinselman

Well Citizens, just when our scars are beginning to heal from our Hell in a Handbasket ordeal, along comes cog to pour salt in our wounds. Or should I say, pour ink over our linen? Or should I say, squirt ink all into our faces and blind us, like prey, while she slowly moves in for the kill, her mouth dripping, hungry for human flesh?

Yes, I'm talking about Cog of the Museum of Dust, with whom we've held correspondance for some time. Recently Cog has made the most disturbing accusations aimed at our Republic, many aimed directly toward your illustrious Khan's (and that's me) own powers of observation! And I tried to be nice, folks. Even though I was a firey ball of Khanish fury! I tried to be nice as I wrote her a letter which addressed all her sickening accusations! Here is that letter (slightly edited to shorten):

Dearest Cog,

Why deny what you know to be true? Are you frightened? I understand. We all understand. However, I think it's time to face the music and address the real issues. Namely, cephalopods don't have large torsos.

I am absolutely positive that the Inky we encountered was no squid. He was a mutated spider... one who delights in dining on the flesh of humans. I apologize if this comes as a shock to you. I assure you, it came as quite a shock to us.

Therefore, friend Cog, I am frankly a bit disturbed about many of the false claims you've made. You not only have accused me of dwelling obsessively on my own fate, you also have accused me of attempting to deflect suspicion from myself by creating an elaborate "alien invasion" ruse. All your false accusations almost make me wonder if you are the anonymous mastermind force behind the Inky that captured us! Perhaps you didn't loose Inky at all... perhaps you sent him on this hair-brained mission to attack us!

The Republic of Tinselman is a peaceful nation. But unless these violent accusations are rescinded (and then you publically say you're sorry), we will have to go after you with guns blazing. We will revoke your citizenship and invade the Museum of Dust.

Most sincerely,
Your Illustrious Khan

As you can plainly see, at this early point I was still giving The Museum of Dust a chance to eat humble pie. But no. Cog was too proud to stoop to that, and instead she kicked our Sponge Cat inspectors out of The Museum of Dust and formed an open aliance with the U.S. aliens!

It's unacceptable! Unacceptable! She had no right to kick our inspectors out!

But that's not all. We now have intelligence of an even more upsetting nature. As of last week I believed that Cog might be somehow a guiding force behind Inky. Our latest intelligence proves to us, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Cog is not only the mastermind force behind Inky... Cog is Inky. Cog herself IS Octobrain!... the mastermind behind the invasion!

Therefore citizens, I come to you declare war against Cog and her cohorts at the Museum of Dust. Which is really just a continuation of our war against the U.S.. And Wikipedia. And the N.S.K.. Why do we fight? For world peace! (And for Super Gopher Boy Wilmey)


Yeah, that's right. You may have not noticed but our Tinselistic hero, Super Gopher Boy Wilmey, has disapeared! Our I was just about to start the global search when I found him in the most unexpected place... Held hostage!

It's another one of Cog's tricks... damn her! Of course Cog disguises the photo by calling it a "Valley Pocket Gopher" but I'd know that pout anywhere (poor Wilmey). Gopher Boy it is, imprisoned by the Museum of Dust (though at least he looks well fed).

Well, not that there's much of anything we can do about it – we've just got so much going on right now – but at least our hearts go out to Gopher Boy!

Lastly, I thought you'd all enjoy this wonderful little photo. That's me in the center and co-mayors Brad and Angelina on both sides (the paparazzi are always after us). Of all things, I found it on the Museum of Dust blog... if she puts things like this on her blog she may have some trouble raising an military!


User comment: Minister Danxia just sent me this message:

With respect - O Khan! - but that the fellow between Brad and Angelina is, unmistakably, Rupert Murdoch (unless of course you are wearing a Rupey costume?) Thought I should raise this important issue ASAP.

Obviously, Danxia is dead wrong. It doesn't look anything like Rupey! And anyway... why would Rupey be hanging with my celebrities?! What would he be doing with his arm around Angelina... the Mother of the Republic!

I don't believe it. It must be me.

September 25, 2006 | Permalink


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My mistake! (I just checked the ancient text, 'Way of the Ruler', and you are absolutely right on this. It also says I am eligible for capital punishment....)

Posted by: Danxia | Sep 26, 2006 8:45:37 AM

I will forgive you this time. No problem. By the way... did you see the nifty new terror alert?!

Posted by: Robyn | Sep 26, 2006 10:19:43 AM

The forgiveness is much appreciated. Yes, I saw the inky alert, and now feel so much safer!

Posted by: Danxia | Sep 26, 2006 11:34:51 AM

"It must be me [the Khan]"... well, there you have it, straight from the horse’s mouth! This is confirmation of something that I have suspected for some time... Octo-brain aka Inky (NOT MoD's Inky by the way) aka Dr Uber Brain aka Rupert Murdoch aka the Khan.

They're all the same thing, people!

You have been duped! Personally I suspect Rupert is behind this maniacal deception -- he is just the kind of machiavellian uber-menace that would think up a plot of such complexity (and disutility). He has never been shy of stating his desire for domination in this and all other possible worlds. Why just a couple of days ago I read an official Evil Rotter Corp media release that said his next target, having assimilated MySpace, was to destroy YouTube! So it makes sense that not only has he done away with RoT's (probably) perfectly innocent Khan and replaced him with an aLife meat puppet Khan who he is using as a front to foment conflict and disharmony that can only end in a full-scale invasion by sponge-cats and lighter-than-air submarines.

Citizens of RoT, I beseech you. Rise up against the rule of this mendacious muck-raking Khan. Overturn the throne of fear and tear the false uniform of servility from your bodies. Together we can take back the right to live as free and equal citizens of Terra Incognita.

You have nothing to lose but your tinsel!

Posted by: A Well-Wisher (honest) | Sep 26, 2006 3:35:59 PM

Well-Wisher? Ah, sorry to disappoint you, but we already knew this stuff! It's what we like. (Except the part about losing tinsel: complete fabrication, that one.)

Posted by: Mark | Sep 26, 2006 4:39:23 PM

Meat puppet?! Oh I assure you Inky... I am the real Khan. In flesh and blood (and I can provide footage to prove it... if I wished).

However, currently we're too busy digging up dirt on you. And oh... you're not going to like what we've been finding (especially the video)!

By the way, we demand that you release Wilmey! We like a lot. He was our hero and one of our highest ministers. And a sub-mayor. And a personal friend of Angelina (you should see the two party! Give him back... perhaps we can work out some sort of exchange!


Posted by: Robyn | Sep 26, 2006 4:49:14 PM

Dear Inky,

Of all the enemies RoT has ever fought, the MoD is surely the lunatic fringe. I mean, really, how could the both the Khan and I be you (ie. Octobrain aka Inky), when it is obvious that you (ie. Cog) are you (ie. Inky). Cog, It must be all those David Icke books you've been reading lately. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Icke

Rupey the machiavellian uber-menace

Posted by: Rupert Murdoch | Sep 26, 2006 10:15:17 PM

Okay.... forgive me if I'm wrong, but I'm trying to get this straight: supposedly Inky aka Octo-brain is also Cog, who is also Rupey, AND our illustrious Khan all at once? Well-wisher wants us to forsake our Khan, lose our marvelously flashy tinsel, and become citizens of Terra Incognita.... which, if I'm not mistaken, is also ruled by Cog, is it not?
Some poor, *ahem*, "(honest)" person forgot their schizo meds this morning....

Posted by: Alli | Sep 27, 2006 3:08:28 AM

thank yoou everyone for your support.


Posted by: Robyn | Sep 27, 2006 7:43:49 AM

I just received this note from Wilmey!... "HELP! I'm caught in a blackhole, that not even Mister Data from star trek could get me out of!!!"

Yeah! He's alive and well! Inky has let our great hero speak and it sounds like he's still living!

Now I'm more determined than ever to beat this terrorizing Inky!

Posted by: Robyn | Sep 27, 2006 9:42:15 AM

Has anyone noticed that the 'documentary proof' appearing in the above tirade is not only all *borrowed* directly from Museum of Dust, but has had its meanings changed in the process.

1. The top image was originally presented as proof of the long-standing battle between the Japanese and cephalopods -- MoD never has and never will stoop to use such creatures against other humanoids, autonomous collectives or even RoTten zones. Only in the power-crazed mind of a gutter-press purveyor like Rupert Murdoch would such an image possibly represent the eternal battle between Good (MoD) and Evil (RoT)...

2. Brangelina and Rupert were snapped by our in-house documenters, and they are obviously planning their next evil and uncalled-for thrust against Terra Incognita. By the Khan's own admission, this image is of himself -- ergo Murdoch = Khan = all that is evil in the world...

3. If that IS Wilmer Super Gopher Boy... please come and get him. It refuses to say anything sensible, is eating us out of roots and shoots, and bites like buggery. Also tells long boring stories with neither endings or purpose. We WERE going to call in pest eradicators... but as it turns out, they had a prior urgent appointment at RoT!

I wonder what that’s about?

Posted by: Concerned Citizen | Sep 27, 2006 11:06:58 PM

Concerned Citizen,

Look at what one bewildered visitor to your Museum had to say today:

"Naomi said...
Hi! In your post today you referred to some 'recent unpleasantness'. I clicked on the link and all I saw was an article called 'Milky Yum'. It had an artwork featuring a couple of really cute, cartoonish kids. What's unpleasant about that?

11:32 AM

Who are we to question Naomi?

'Recent unpleasantness': while RoT citizens sat around peacefully eating Japanese candy, you were squashing a gopher inside a black hole.

- Concerned Reptillian Overlord

Posted by: Concerned Reptillian Overlord | Sep 28, 2006 1:06:36 AM

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