War With the Museum

Left: Museum of Dust, Right: Republic of Tinselman

Well Citizens, just when our scars are beginning to heal from our Hell in a Handbasket ordeal, along comes cog to pour salt in our wounds. Or should I say, pour ink over our linen? Or should I say, squirt ink all into our faces and blind us, like prey, while she slowly moves in for the kill, her mouth dripping, hungry for human flesh?

Yes, I'm talking about Cog of the Museum of Dust, with whom we've held correspondance for some time. Recently Cog has made the most disturbing accusations aimed at our Republic, many aimed directly toward your illustrious Khan's (and that's me) own powers of observation! And I tried to be nice, folks. Even though I was a firey ball of Khanish fury! I tried to be nice as I wrote her a letter which addressed all her sickening accusations! Here is that letter (slightly edited to shorten):

Dearest Cog,

Why deny what you know to be true? Are you frightened? I understand. We all understand. However, I think it's time to face the music and address the real issues. Namely, cephalopods don't have large torsos.

I am absolutely positive that the Inky we encountered was no squid. He was a mutated spider... one who delights in dining on the flesh of humans. I apologize if this comes as a shock to you. I assure you, it came as quite a shock to us.

Therefore, friend Cog, I am frankly a bit disturbed about many of the false claims you've made. You not only have accused me of dwelling obsessively on my own fate, you also have accused me of attempting to deflect suspicion from myself by creating an elaborate "alien invasion" ruse. All your false accusations almost make me wonder if you are the anonymous mastermind force behind the Inky that captured us! Perhaps you didn't loose Inky at all... perhaps you sent him on this hair-brained mission to attack us!

The Republic of Tinselman is a peaceful nation. But unless these violent accusations are rescinded (and then you publically say you're sorry), we will have to go after you with guns blazing. We will revoke your citizenship and invade the Museum of Dust.

Most sincerely,
Your Illustrious Khan

As you can plainly see, at this early point I was still giving The Museum of Dust a chance to eat humble pie. But no. Cog was too proud to stoop to that, and instead she kicked our Sponge Cat inspectors out of The Museum of Dust and formed an open aliance with the U.S. aliens!

It's unacceptable! Unacceptable! She had no right to kick our inspectors out!

But that's not all. We now have intelligence of an even more upsetting nature. As of last week I believed that Cog might be somehow a guiding force behind Inky. Our latest intelligence proves to us, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Cog is not only the mastermind force behind Inky... Cog is Inky. Cog herself IS Octobrain!... the mastermind behind the invasion!

Therefore citizens, I come to you declare war against Cog and her cohorts at the Museum of Dust. Which is really just a continuation of our war against the U.S.. And Wikipedia. And the N.S.K.. Why do we fight? For world peace! (And for Super Gopher Boy Wilmey)

Yeah, that's right. You may have not noticed but our Tinselistic hero, Super Gopher Boy Wilmey, has disapeared! Our I was just about to start the global search when I found him in the most unexpected place... Held hostage!

It's another one of Cog's tricks... damn her! Of course Cog disguises the photo by calling it a "Valley Pocket Gopher" but I'd know that pout anywhere (poor Wilmey). Gopher Boy it is, imprisoned by the Museum of Dust (though at least he looks well fed).

Well, not that there's much of anything we can do about it – we've just got so much going on right now – but at least our hearts go out to Gopher Boy!

Lastly, I thought you'd all enjoy this wonderful little photo. That's me in the center and co-mayors Brad and Angelina on both sides (the paparazzi are always after us). Of all things, I found it on the Museum of Dust blog... if she puts things like this on her blog she may have some trouble raising an military!

User comment: Minister Danxia just sent me this message:

With respect - O Khan! - but that the fellow between Brad and Angelina is, unmistakably, Rupert Murdoch (unless of course you are wearing a Rupey costume?) Thought I should raise this important issue ASAP.

Obviously, Danxia is dead wrong. It doesn't look anything like Rupey! And anyway... why would Rupey be hanging with my celebrities?! What would he be doing with his arm around Angelina... the Mother of the Republic!

I don't believe it. It must be me.