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June 09, 2006

A New Dawn Rises!


I have a confession to make. Of late, I had begun to become discouraged with our Republic (of Tinselman). I had such hopes, such great ambitions for our fledgling nation. I dreamt that it might slowly grow, mature and eventually age, like the finest French Bordeaux. However, lately I've been forced to wonder, is the Republic of Tinselman forever frozen in that awkward prepubecent stage?

This was far too difficult for me to face alone, so I called Brad [Pitt] and before I could a word out he said, "Hey man, have you heard?! I mean, what d'you think?!"

"Brad" I said, "Of course I've heard. Everybody's heard. I can't get––"

He started laughing, "No, no... I'm not talking about Shiloh. I'm talking about the metropolis! I mean... the presentation! You know... From Emergence to Inferno. Oh God... it's gonna be great, I mean totally frickin' wonderful! I can't wait to see the look on their faces when we... oh god, oh god!" And he suddenly broke into uncontrolled laughter.

Finally Angelina came on the phone and I began to get it all straight. It turns out there was indeed to be a very important presentation. She wouldn't tell me a thing about it, other than it was created by "Wilmey", "Russ" and herself and was to take place in L.A. on June 7th. Of course, it took me a bit to realize who "Wilmey" was... turns out it's her pet name for our very own Adam Wilmer and... well, I did go to this presentation and... honestly, I guess there's no reason to waste anymore time... let me just describe it...


I arrived at Grauman's Chinese Theater at 2:14 in the morning – a discreet time. There were people everywhere. I knew not a one of them. At 3:00 a.m., I was sitting on one of the plush theater-seats next to Brad and Angelina. A moment later, the lights dimmed. A shimmering, lilting music began and the curtains parted to these words...

The Boys Presents...

From Emergence to Inferno

With Special Appearance by Angelina Jolie

Angelina elbowed me and pointed to her name. And I have to admit, I was beginning to shiver with anticipation! And I was bothered only slightly by the fact that the curtains were jammed halfway across the screen. Oh well. In the next moment I utterly forgot about it; I was simply lifted away (in a transcendental sort of way) by the sweet whispering emanating from the THX surround sound system. Angelina elbowed me again, mouthing the words, "that's my voice, that's me!"

Over a black screen, she said this (in her finest british accent)...

It is June 3, 1996. Two men... "the boys"... are standing above the ashes of the greatest city that ever was and ever will be. It is a sad moment. And yet, the boys are as happy as dancing happy little larks.

Suddenly an image appeared and there was Angelina on the silver screen, larger than life, and the boys behind her danced. I swear, they really were just like happpy little larks... it was uncanny (see top photo).

Angelina: The boys wanted it to snow today. This is what they told me. Silly boys... it does not snow in L.A.. But they said it would cover the ashes... a snow-veil, so to speak. I slapped both of them, playfully. Brad laughed when I did that. Then the boys slapped me back. Then I accidentely knocked one of Wilmey's teeth out. He he!


The above image came on the screen and Angelina, still whispering dramatically, continued: "Who are the boys? Why are they important? To answer this vital question, we must push back the hands of time to... another time, another place, to what we like to call Out of Africa. That is where our dream was born. Emergence. The dream of a city. A city commissioned by own illustrious Khan. A city for the Republic of Tinselman. A city constructed of toilet paper rolls. A city conceived and built by sub-Mayor Wilmey and his trusty assistant Russ."

The Angelina in the film continued talking but I could no longer hear her. Now I was weeping uncontrollably. And oh, the next shot was so beautiful...


I didn't even need to hear Angelina to know what this was! A statue! Carefully sculpted to bring glory and honor to me! Khan Miller! But before I could soak it in, this popped onto the screen...


And Angelina was no longer talking. Now she was singing with the voice of an angel. It was a heavenly melody; her lyric went thus...

Four toilet towers,
Bring to them your commerce.
Big road leads straight to it,
In winters, springs and summers.

Then the voice seemed to almost transform into that of a man. It began singing operatically, very quickly (and deep) and, though it was not an especially attractive voice, it had a lot of heart. Immediately I knew it must be Adam Wilmer and he sang these words...

What about the orges?
We have an orge problem!
Someone kill the orges!
The orges are invading!


Then the slow sublime voice of Angelina...

Don't you worry 'bout the orges,
Our stormtroopers will chop their eyes.
We'll throw them in the orge-ovens,
And we'll be eating orge-pies!


It went on like this and there was all sorts of delightful bits, and the orge plot went weaving through all of it, continually growing in intensity, but the theater burst forth with youthful raw energy at the sight of the Khan's personal "parking garage" and "awesome cars" (which are guarded by his own pet dinosaur)...


Or there was the gruesome, but unexpectantly touching sequence: the Gehn Whark Hanging Tribute Ceremony...


And then the lush (and closely guarded) "Battery Park" that powers the city with four massive C cell batteries...


All said, the presentation was exhilarating. Wondrous! But nothing matched its daring climax... (I'm shivering).

For a moment, the sceen went black and Angelina, Wilmey and Russ began reciting a poem... or something like a poem, their voices inseperably woven together (and yet grossly contrasting). In solemn tones, this is what they said...

Life... all things end.
Even empires must eventually... die!
Decayed to ashes and covered,
By our grief;
A veil of snow.

The screeen slowly dissolved to an outdoor scene, very similar to the first image from the film, with the exception that Angelina, Wilmey and Russ were standing, hand in hand, behind the city doing this weird dance thing. And they continued with the poem...

Angelina: Fire cleanses all.
Wilmey: Fire is fun to play with!
Russ: Fire is pretty and orange.

Angelina: Fire is the symbol of eternal passion!
Wilmey: Do you have the matches?
Russ: No, you idiot, I thought you brought them!

Then... silence. It turns out Angelina had the matches. She bent down and... lit the city ablaze!


It was such a beautiful and fitting end for the Metropolis of Tinselman! The entire theater was sobbing! How perfectly stunning! How horrifyingly lovely! We wept.

Of course it ended exactly as it had begun... with the boys dancing over the ashes. And yet there was one small addition. It turns out Wilmey was really determined to see some snow, so he did this macro slow-motion salt shaker thing as Angelina spoke...

Mourn at the ashes,
There's enough to fill a silo.
Hearken to the silent veil,
And I will name my baby Shiloh.
A new dawn,
The Republic of Tinselman liveth...

I cried many times that night. And I had a great and an important realization. Yes... the Republic of Tinselman certainly is forever frozen that awkward prepubecent stage. We can never grow. We can never mature. We can never age. And all of this is awesome!!!

Note: Metropolis of Tinselman model and From Emergence to Inferno by Adam Wilmer. Wilmey deserves much thanks and kudos for such great descriptions of each and every area of the city! Please overwelm him with kind and flattering emails!

June 9, 2006 | Permalink


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Thanks Robyn! I was pleased, with the help of trusty sidekick Russ, to build... and ultimately destroy the Metropolis of Tinselman. Angelina was quite nice! We all had fun at the Chinese theatre, and we all had great fun later at the Metropolis bar, watching you get drunk and hit that guy over the head with that chair, while Russ held him down and Angelina threatened to cut him with her "blade" as she called it. A good time was had by all. Wilmey signing out~!

Posted by: Adam Wilmer | Jun 9, 2006 5:24:17 PM

TDX sound system or typo?

Posted by: Mark | Jun 10, 2006 1:46:16 PM

Maybe the US government will chime in and help out the Republic just like they helped out New Orleans. Oh, wait...

Posted by: jedimacfan | Jun 12, 2006 11:38:52 AM

Um, wow...you sure you guys didn't hit the bar *first*? o.O
I laughed, I cried, I peed my pants.

Posted by: Toh'mas | Jun 12, 2006 2:00:35 PM

This thing is begging for an epic poem....

Posted by: Alli | Jun 14, 2006 10:52:12 AM

This city... it looks so strangely familiar... it reminds me of my ancient home that rested upon my kitchen table oh so long ago. Sadly, two crazy pyros burnt it in mine own driveway... I still have nightmares. Alas, I have the memories. *Weeps uncontrollably*

Posted by: AJ | Jul 1, 2006 11:48:21 AM

Wagnerian, in a biodegradable sort of way. Sadly though, in future Director's Cuts might I suggest the strategic removal of Angelina Jolie's breasts? I spent twenty minutes staring at the top of this entry alone. Kind of unnecessarily complicates the process of cinematic criticism. Just a thought.

Posted by: Milo Freeman | Mar 18, 2007 12:21:10 PM

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