« Do Not Sit Here | Main | Gigeresque Legos »

March 08, 2006

Heretical Nessy Theory


Please look at the above photo of the Loch Ness Monster. Does it look like an circus elephant to you? No! It does not. It looks like a lake serpent monster and I am furious! I am steaming furious angry! Because some scientist guy (who doesn't deserve to be named) has announced that this photograph, this, one of our most convincing proofs of Nessy, is nothing more than worthless circus tripe. Elephant, ha! Never fear, I am here to prove he is dead wrong.

First, his (incorrect) theory...

Ness02_2 a

Ness03 b

The above two photographs just about sum it up. He believes that R.K. Wilson's 1934 photographs of the Loch Ness Monster (exhibit a.) were actually the trunk of a swimming elephant sticking out of the water (exhibit b.). But if you know anything about the Loch Ness Monster or about elephants (or about me) then you know this is the dumbest thing you've ever heard. Here's why:

  1. Would the Republic of Tinselman have chosen a mythical creature as their mascot? Would we have put an elephant in the center of our flag? No! We intuitively know what is real and what is not real. Don't tell us that our mascot is a lie – a trick – or we might just begin to suspect that you are another agent of our #1 enemy: the NSK.
  2. Does an elephant have Nessy-like eyes at the end of its trunk? No! Does Nessy have big elephant ears? No! Obviously, only an imbecile would confuse the two. (ha!)
  3. My final and most important proof... Nessy has been sighted a number of times since the 1930s, when the circus elephant left Loch Ness, and so there is no way to account for recent sightings such as these:

Ness04_1 c

Ness05_1 d

(click photos to enlarge)

After all is said and done, we will forgive the unnamed scientist if, for no other reason, he seems to believe in our dear cryptid despite his own arguements to the contrary. He says:

The elephant theory would not explain some of the later sightings. I do believe there is something alive in Loch Ness.

BBC Article and Video
CBS News Article
Previous Loch Ness Post

March 8, 2006 | Permalink


TrackBack URL for this entry:

Listed below are links to weblogs that reference Heretical Nessy Theory:


But Robyn... we did put the flag (which I designed myself... so proud) atop an elephant. Need we forget Lucy Mark whatchamanumber? Perhaps there is something more here... perhaps the real mystery is how Nessy is in fact linked to the same family as the elephant...? Hmmmm?! HMMMM!?I've soiled myself...

Posted by: Adam Wilmer | Mar 9, 2006 1:15:12 PM

Sounds like this unnamed scientist dude is a bit of a hypocrit . . .

Supposedly a similar creature called "Chessie" exists in the Chesapeake Bay too.

But Adam is right, it is rather ironic that both Nessie and elephants are associated with the Republic . . .

Posted by: Alex | Mar 9, 2006 10:55:20 PM

Why the heck would an elephant be swimming in Scotland anyways?

Posted by: Mark | Mar 11, 2006 6:29:02 PM

Nessie is our mascot? I'm all for evaluating the evidence, but photo A off the last exhibit is quite distorted and looks a little... well... I dunno like a blob I guess


By the way, the flag does rock Adam... even though our illustrous potentate can't quite remember what you put on it...



Posted by: Donnie Fischer | Mar 12, 2006 10:35:51 AM

Chessie is a wannabe. A _freaking_ wannabe.

Mark: Hannibal's little-mentioned vacation/detour to the Scottish lochs, dur.

Archaeological evidence reveals Scotland has always been a vacation spot, or someplace to go to escape the blitz in London for a time.

Posted by: Scott Elyard | Mar 15, 2006 1:23:28 AM

I'm more on "Monster is not Elephant"side Because I've never heard of any around there.I think it's a Plesiosaur,most of the sightings make it sound like that.But we can not be to sure.

Posted by: Dr.Jacob Patterson | Aug 3, 2006 11:33:01 AM

The comments to this entry are closed.