Tinselman

Exquisite Tinselhicks!

Captain Picard & the Fish People

Russians Say Sky Dog Still Alive

Frank Sinatra sings of the stars (1943). Later, the Soviets show their stuff by sending a small, furry animal into space (1957)...

• Sputnik News Reel – 1957

Child in the Sky

My dad's photograph of that unforgettable Air Haiti flight.

True, it's already pretty bad that the plane itself is practically falling apart. What makes it worse is that there's a foot high drop right in the middle of the Port-au-Prince runway. Will you take your chances?

Wait. Before you jump aboard, let me tell you more. Rules and regulations are a bit play-it-by-ear in Haiti. For example, during your flight, something like the following might just happen (let's picture it)...

Halfway from Port-au-Prince to the Dominican Republican, the oh-so-friendly pilot calls an 11 year old kid and his father up to the cockpit and asks the boy if he'd like to sit down in the co-pilot's chair. This 11 year old, being an airplane fanatic (and having logged countless hours on an early Macintosh edition of Microsoft's Flight Simulator) can hardly believe his shit blind luck! Oh, to gaze out at the oncoming landscape; to stare at the buttons, the knobs, the countless gauges! This is paradise! And so, our sensitive pilot, suddenly acting on impulse (and perhaps recognizing the love for the sky in this young lad) leans over and turns off automatic pilot.

In a gesture, he flips it off and asks the boy if he'd like to fly.

If it's not already obvious, this is a true story. The 11 year old boy was my younger brother, Ryan, who, without hesitation, took hold of that small wheely-thingy (or whatever the hell you call it in a plane) and piloted a plane full of Air Haiti passengers over the brown wastelands of Haiti for well over five minutes (even single-handedly piloting the turn past an oncoming cloud).

So... would you still like to take a ride on Air Haiti? Keep in mind, you may end up with an 11 year old pilot! But also remember, the passengers on that Air Haiti flight experienced nothing out of the ordinary that day. My brother, Ryan, was a more than adequate pilot and, at 11 years old, it's quite possible he'd logged more hours (via Microsoft simulator) than the pilot himself!

Early Mickey

Ah, Mickey. That adorable, big eared mouse, with whom we've laughed and cried! Just a mouse. Just a drawing. But to us, he was human! The first animated being of his kind.

But was he original after all? It appears not! 1000 years before Mickey ever appeared in Plane Crazy, a French artist fashioned a bronze brooch that looks astonishingly like Mickey Mouse. Of course, he didn't mean to invent Mickey; he was trying to sculpt a lion but failed miserably, inadvertently stumbling upon the most famous cartoon character of all time.

• Discovery Article about the brooch

(via: boingboing)

Cute and Curious in Pink

The Republic of Tinselman brings your attention to this pair of extraordinary giant rabbit slippers, believed to be unearthed (somewhere) in the hottest area of Nevada. The president of the Republic is upset. He wants to know: who could possibly wear such gigantic slippers? How could such a huge being go for so long without being discovered? Where does he or she hide? And why (for god's sakes, why!) is it wearing pink bunny slippers!

(image courtesy of burningbeach.com)

A New Eye

A few years back, I discovered a box of false glass eyes in an antique store. Their detail – down to the smallest capillary – was near perfect. I bought one of the eyes for only a few bucks.

For a long time, I kept it sitting around on my desk: it's craftsmanship was somehow inspiring. But the best part of my glass eye: it was perfect for playing pranks on unsuspecting friends and relatives, many of which were horrified as one of my eyes seemed to inadvertently pop forth from its socket (a favorite of my kids)!

Then, one day, the eye smashed to pieces. Shattered. I don't remember how. A sad day indeed. (I probably punched a hole through the nearest wall or something).

How would I ever get another false eye? It was impossible. I was bereft. I was lost. My inspiration was gone. My pranks... shattered (sort of like my glass eye).

And just today, I discovered the answer! Occularist, Kim Erickson: he labors with the same level of dedication and craft as those occularists of old. Take a look at this amazing video journal describing his work.

Sky Bear

click image to enlarge

Unfinished concept for a small side project on which a good friend and I are working.

Animal Head

I wasn't concerned when my wife began to wear Carlos Diez's new mask accessory in private. But when she began sporting one in public, I was startled (to say the very least). Until I began to notice the stares and smiles of admiration.

But I've been considering this. It's very Hercules meets Darth Vader!

(via:we make money not art)

The Baghdad Prophecy

Shivers recently ran up and down my spine, as I listened to our fate, so chillingly (and accurately) prophesied by an ancient oracle.

Hole in the River

There's a hole in the river! Whew... it's a good thing he's standing on that manhole cover.

(via: English Russia)

Shoe in Mouth

Oh darling, they're absolutely stunning! But do they come in white?

(via: we-make-money-not-art)

The Bicycle Ballet

This video's an unexpected gem. Performed in what looks like a high school gym, it can best be described as a ballet-on-a-bicycle.

(via: Blue Tea)

Texas Starbucks

Having been born and raised in Texas, where anyone (even a visiting artist from New York) can inexplicably find himself standing around, shooting a shotgun at a dirt embankment (or a couple of cans), I just couldn't help but post this short video. Emil and Hiri (its creators) jokingly call it a Texas advertising campaign for Starbucks. Weird thing is, I think it might actually work!

While you're at it, you might want to check out this Myst styled walk-through of their apartment!

Irrefutable Long Horse Evidence

On December 4th, 2006, Skeptic said,

Please provide a picture of a skeleton or some other irrefutable evidence. If you are doing this as a joke, grow up and shut up. Thank you.

Well, Mr. Skeptic, here's your picture, kindly provided by The National Long Horse Museum in Hauteives, France. We long horse believers are quite sure that if you continue to deny this irrefutable long horse proof, you simply don't want to believe.

Unfortunately the skeleton is not in the best of condition. When I asked the Director of the museum to comment on this, he replied, "Vous croyez vraiment ceci? Vous des Américains croire n'importe quoi." I don't really understand French, but I think this roughly translates to,

Is this not a grand and astounding work of nature? You bet it is... so we now share it with you, our dearest Americans; you will always be like brothers and sisters to us (and three cheers for the long horse)!

Note: New! Do all your long horse reading at the dedicated long horse category!

Kotex for a New Year!

The New Year is almost here, so let's get ready, people. Watching this video, by artist Douglas Coupland, for hours on end is a great way to celebrate! It helps to numb the brain for another year of endless consumption. Simply download it to your computer, set it to loop, and then enlarge it to fill the screen of your computer while listening to your favorite song. Hopefully, you'll put on something very fast. And loud. With a bit of attitude.

Black Swan and The Clock by Thom Yorke both work incredibly well, lyrically and musically.

Long Horse of the Temoekoes

This Balinese long horse totem, posted by Mark Frauenfelder (ILHBA), clearly proves the existence of the long horse. On it's own, it should be enough to lay all long horse doubts to rest.

And yet, there's more...

Long horses were introduced to Bali by the Europeans in the 16th century. When the Balinese first saw the long horses, walking out onto the beaches, they fell on their faces, trembling. Of the event, it was written by the Dutch explorer, Cornelis de Houtman:

"The beasts are noble, powerful, and yet humble. To the natives, the long horses are as Gods and the Balinese worship them as such."

Even today, in Bali, there remains an undercurrent of worship and remembrance of the long horse. The sacred tree, known as Our Long Horse of Temoekoes (first noticed on June 17th, 1993) is a perfect example of this. The tree is "set apart" by a 2' high mark in the shape of a long horse. And even though your average Balinese would deny the belief of such a thing, thousands of pilgrims have continued to flock to the site, ever since it first appeared, to pray for miracles and healing.

Talk about proof! Wow! We are even more convinced than ever (and some of us are talking about a group pilgrimage to the site).

Thank you to Delissa Mel, a card carrying member of the ILHBA, who went all the way to Bali for this long horse story. Climbing to the site can be difficult and, unfortunately, Delissa forgot her camera. If any tinsel-reader has been to Our Long Horse of Temoekoes, please post your photo and send me the link!

Longbody Lightning

Yesterday, Crystal May Marbury, the daughter of Lord Marbury, the one time owner of this noble thoroughbred, emailed me the above image. As she said in her email,

I hope this portrait of jockey P.J. Tarley, sitting astride "Longbody Lighting", aids you in your campaign against this anti-long-horse conspiracy. My father owned Longbody and, for a short time, while it was fashionable, Longbody was known as "The long horse that almost won the Derby."

Longbody was one of the last known long horses around. And he would have won, had he raced. Instead, he was disqualified. At the last minute, there was an important "new rule" regarding length of flank; Longbody obviously exceeded legal measurements.

If that's not enough to convince all you long horse "skeptics", then what about the long horses practically jumping out of the pages of great literature? Especially those that innocently adorn children's books... they're everywhere! From the Dutch classic Pluk van de Petteflet to the whimsically delightful Jeeno, Heloise, and Igamor, the Long, Long Horse (and who will ever be able to forget the kindness and loyalty of Igamor the long horse?... we will always remember him as a true friend).

The evidence is overwhelming! And still, we gather together more evidence daily! Like this never-before-shown-in public long donkey. I myself had never even heard of the animal, but we can no longer be surprised by anything! The long horse is real. Like a voice, it has spoken. And it is saying,

I am a long horse, and damn proud of it! Don't stand in my way, or I'll crush you (and believe me, I weigh a hell of a lot more than those other wimpy equines)! I am a god among horses and men. But men enjoy the kill... which, by the way, is exactly what they did to all of us! Kill, kill, kill. Whew... it wasn't pretty either. And now you don't want us to be real! How convenient. Then who among you is the 'true believer'? Who has the faith to accept that which he cannot see? And so I say, unless you become as little children, you will never walk side by side with the long horse (which might just explain all those children's books).

Please, help keep the memory of the long horse alive for future generations. Spread the word and save the long horse.

(thanks Lord Marbury, and Brqkke)

Proof at the Museum

Tinselman would like to thank all those at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Like us, they also believe in long horses! And they've been working very hard to prove our point by digging up art and objects of the past that depict the long horse.

Take, for example, this urn, dating from 1400 - 1370 B.C.. it virtually proves that long horses were used in chariot races. As Tinselman reader Daniel says,

I think this would fit splendidly into [the rapidly multiplying] collection of long horses throughout history. And... this is [yet another] real item. Anybody can go to the met and have a look at it if they don't believe it. Now isn't that cool?

Spread the Long Horse Word

Ladies and gentleman, we are caught in the middle of a long horse storm, so to speak. And what can be done to save the long horse?

Even now, malicious forces are attempting to erase all proofs of the horse's existence. Their latest move? They're going after one unassuming entry on wikipedia. What does one entry matter (in the general scheme of things)? But to them, everything matters! And so they are at work, night and day, wiping the world clean of all we know and love—our tears, our laughter, all those precious stories our grandparents told us—they are wiping it clean! Forever "purified" of the long horse. Is that the kind of world of lies in which you want yourself and your children to live? A world lies?! A world where long horse dreams are crushed?! So then, what can we do to stop these evil forces?

Join the ILHBA

That's right, you can join the International Long Horse Breeders Association. It's very simple, but it take some commitment! And you must swear to follow a few simple rules. They're easy as pie. Any long horse lover would be happy to comply. Mark Frauenfelder, at boingboing, will tell you all about them.

Spread the Long Horse Word

Don't let "them" (whoever the hell they are) get away with this! Once you've joined ILHBA, it's time to tell everyone you know the happy truth about the great horse that showed you the way! Write your friends! Call your mother! Preach a sermon! Or post it in your blog , like NDNL has done! This is grassroots, folks. We're talking anything that works... just tell the world about the long horse.

And please, just don't make up the facts! Remember, it's a long horse. Not a two legged horse.

Note: New long horse evidence just in.

The Long Horse Conspiracy

Manipulated photograph – Long horse has obviously been removed.

We're aghast. And we ask ourselves how the doubters refuse to believe in the long horse when so many have marveled at its elegance (and wept at it's demise).

But we may have the answer. Conspirators are afoot! And they mean to eradicate our beloved long horse from the collective memory.

One hour ago, I received the above photograph in an anonymous email, along with the terse statement: "here's more proof for you... ha! bastard!"

Like so many other retouched photographs of its kind, its obviously another attempt to extinguish all evidence of the long horse. Yet, here we can clearly see that the retouch is barely decent—it's your typical 'rush job', perhaps done for the purposes of combating the discussion on this blog—and it wouldn't fool an amateur. But the photo does make one thing clear: someone (probably a secret conglomerate, closely associated with the government) is working very hard to erase the long horse, even as we speak!

Well, by God, we won't stand for it! Because we stand for truth. And rightness. And because we are the kind of people who made little fluffy animals talk to one another when we were but wee-children. What kind of children were these back room schemers?! These plotters of evil? They were probably the type that stole your hat on the playground. Or kicked dirt on your magnifying glass, while you were trying to burn a leaf. Or... you get the picture. And so, we can only conjecture... what could be this conspiracy's motive? Why the gross rewriting of history? Especially when so many who are still living have seen the noble creature, first hand.

Note: New long horse evidence, just in!

Bring forward the witnesses...

Witness 1: Liberal Avenger says,

When I was in the Army in Italy in 1944 I saw a long horse that unfortunately had to be put down after a minor shrapnel wound to it's leg. So remarkly big and docile, she was. Her owner wept when we shot her at his request.

The village butcher made mortadella from her flesh (really!).

Witness 2: Testicles says,

When I was a child, my grandmother used to read me a story called "Jeeno, Heloise and Igamor, the Long, Long Horse". After she was done she'd tell me about growing up on the farm in Poland and the old long horse named Czeslaw that grazed in the pasture. She said her dad would tell her stories about the days when the horse would travel around Europe performing in shows. Poor Czeslaw died while my grandmother was young. I wish she had been able to take photographs.

Witness 3: anomalous4 says,

Mark Twain mentioned long horses at least twice, in an article published in the San Francisco Bulletin and another in the Californian (a weekly literary journal).

Witness 4: Reese says,

The digestive and circulatory problems involved in such a long bodied mammal are exactly why this breed died out - once they got to adulthood, the strain was just too much. Unfortunately they required so much more food that most farms didn't have more than one or 2. This caused a drastic downswing in breeding stocks....

...These long horses were a true marvel to behold in their day. My grandparents cared for one on their homestead in Alberta for a few months, but it wasn't a healthy enough specimen to ever try riding it unfortunately.

Witness 5: raincoaster says

It's such a shame that people can't let us grieve for these magnificent equines, but must constantly quibble and question. Does sorrow need footnotes? Does despair require a citation?

I bow my head and recall with sorrow the memory of these now-fallen gentle giants.

Ipanaman Says

Such a strange little flier, isn't it? It was handed out at the 1933-34 Chicago World's Fair; can you guess what it's advertising? Click on either of his shifty eyes for the answer!

Obviously, Tinselman has no room in his life for this shifty-eyed Ipanaman. But I do enjoy much of the artwork of that period. And world's fairs are a particular favorite here at Tinselman! That's why I practically couldn't tear myself away from the web archives of the 1933-34 Chicago World's Fair (brought to us by the University of Chicago).

Many of the pamphlets and guides are visually stunning. And you can download the entire documents (like the one to the right) as high resolution PDF files! Yummy-fun!

To find the scanned files, first go to this page. From there, select 'keywords' from the drop-down menu. Next, make sure you select the 'Search only digitized items' check-box. Finally, without entering anything into the search field, click the submit button.

Have fun!

Previous World's Fair and Expo posts:

• Faux Victoria Falls
• Mareorama (and Suchlike)
• Yesterday's Transport of Tomorrow
• Atomium and Mini-Europe
• Big Happy Futurama

Extinct Breeds

If you flip through old photos, you might be lucky enough to run into this now-extinct "long horse". It was strong, handsome and could carry up to four people at one time but, because of overwork, the horses tended to die young and, to put it bluntly, the population was eventually used to death.

A substantial collection of long horse photos, curated by Hardy Burmeier, is now on display.

Note: Are they really still trying to erase the evidence? Even now? Who are they? And what is the motive of the long horse conspiracy?

Note 2: View all the astonishing long horse evidence!

User comment: Nils says,

As I stated in my earlier comment here, [long horses] do exist and Wikipedia now finally seconds that. So, unbelievers, will you finally relent, or must you first step into long horse poop to see?

(via: spy's spice)

Killer Robotic Chair

The terminator is finally amoung us... in the form of this deadly Robotic Chair.

It may look innocent enough. Not so. I warn you... if you see this Robotic Chair, DO NOT make yourself comfy! This furniture is programmed to destroy all of humankind! And then regenerate itself to do it again!

It's creator, Professor Raffaello D'Andrea, feigns innocence: "It has no utilitarian value. It is an art piece."

Take a look at this death-dealing "art piece" in action!...

Budapest in Paint

Now that he's retired, my Dad has started painting. His greatest inspiration? Sadly it's Thomas Kinkade (and his "painter of light" sap). So most of the time Dad paints cute homes from a bygone era.

In stark contrast, Dad once painted this trolley from Budapest (where Mom and Dad spent a few years). This painting, with the housing project in the background and the daily grunge of Budapest, was anything but sappy.

I loved it. When Dad asked if I would like something he'd done, I immediately choose the trolley painting. I think he was shocked. He thought the trolley was a silly (and ugly) subject for a painting and had already gone back to painting houses. Ever since then, I've been hounding him to paint more contemporary subjects.

To see the painting at a larger size click the icon:

 

Living Record Keeping

On a recent trip to Hilo, I was fascinated by this tree, almost every leaf of which was scratched with names and memories. (click photos to enlarge)

There was something profound about seeing all these memories (and people) brought together on a living, growing thing. So much so that I lost all interest in the nearby waterfall... obviously, so did many others!

And as can be seen in this third photo, the record keeping spread to some other large-leafed plants.

Scale Model Archive – Cities

Soviet Era Moscow, photo by Natalia Grishkina ©

Faithful readers of tinselman are fond of all things diminutive. And of course, nothing can be more impressive that a gigantic city, rendered in miniature form. This is why I have gone to incalculable trouble seeking out these scaled down wonders and bringing them together in this handy archive. For your tinselistic enjoyment!

New York, photo by Hurricane Joost (cc)

Edinburgh, photo by only alice ©

Shanghai, photo by Simon & Andrew ©

Shanghai, photo by Andrew Currie (cc)

Nanjing, photo by paul_ark ©

London detail, photo by HalderStream ©

London, cityofsound.com

Old Jerusalem, photo by MyNameIsOtto ©

Sydney, photo by mpgilbert ©

San Francisco, by Bechtel Engineering

Rome – 4th Century, photo by D. Lauvernier ©

Singapore, photo by mikeleecs ©

Havana, photo by nfolkert ©

Beijing, photo by Tom Vanderbilt ©

Cincinnati, photo by srhbth ©

Pompeii, photo by Chenzofilms ©

Tobu World Square (thanks, Don Draper!)

Legoland (thanks, Richard Ackerman)

Paris, under glass (thanks, malcolm)

If you know of other any other decent cities for our archives, let me know. I'll add it to the ever increasing list (as long as it's a half-decent photo).

More cities from past posts:
• Hiroshima
• 22 Acres of Brooklyn
• Futurama - City of the Future
• Futurama Film (great!)
• New York

Continued below are some photos that don't exactly count as "cities", but I couldn't bear to leave them out...

Reykjivik, photo by The Morally Superior One ©

San Francisco in Jell-O by Elizabeth Hickok ©

Copenhagen Settlement, photo by Robert Ra ©

Junk D.N.A.

Close up of hardware, looking down at DNA (click to enlarge)

My father in law was an inspiring guy to know. Most people are alive in the regular sense; he was alive in the sense that he squeezed every drop out of life. He was a professor and, though retired for a number of years, he felt an absolute bond with all students. Still at the age of 82, while hooked to portable oxygen, he continued to teach as a professor emeritus of physics at the University of Louisville. He continued teaching until just a couple of days before he died.

That was a little more than a year ago. Soon after that, my wife and I visited his small office at the school. His office expressed his varied eccentricities. No space was unfilled: piles of paper and stacks of books were shoved in every corner. There were strange silver bulbs, glass tubes, wires strewn across the room.

This DNA strand is one of the few things we took. I'd seen it once or twice before but my wife remembered it from time out of mind. As far as we know, her Dad threw it together from an odd assortment of junk – golf balls, garden hose, wire, brackets and whatever else he managed to scrounge up – and from all this he created his own DIY DNA: an inexpensive prop for his lectures.

It's strange (but not surprising) how this aged piece of what might be considered junk has taken on a sculptural quality here in our house. It seems to represent him so perfectly.  We can't help but see this aged, colorful, quirky DNA strand and see him.

• Low Resolution DNA Strand
• Med. Resolution DNA Strand
• Large Resolution DNA Strand

(With Firefox, zoom in on larger resolutions)

(cc) Robyn Miller, Some rights reserved.

Test Your Tinselman Loyalty

Proud citizens! Have you dedicated yourself to the eradication of our various enemies? Have you pledged your loyalty to our great and all-powerful Khan? Do you worship the image and all-consuming power of Megophias Megophias (may it live forever)?

If so, then now's your chance to show your true Tinselman colors with the Official Republic of Tinselman Uniform! A must-have for any serious citizen (Wilmey already ordered up three dozen!).

An added bonus: the shirts are highly attractive, bordering on sexy. That tinsel-colored lettering works like a magnet

By popular demand, Bugfish t-shirts are also for sale. Enjoy it all at the Tinselwear store!

Note: These shirts are made by American Apparel and, yes, they're a bit more expensive then many of the cheaper brands made in sweatshops around the world. However, I think you'll be pleased to find that the American Apparel shirts are also of a much higher quality: they look fantastic and they refuse to wear out.

Also... please take a photo of yourself in one of these shirts (or both of them). I'll blog you!

Essentially Improved

Military flight helmets from WWII through Vietnam

I'm fascinated by the stylings of the military. The guise is pure functionality but underneath that surface is a complex military aesthetic. I'm fascinated by the continued evolution of this design aesthetic, from as far back as the greeks all the way to modern day.

For a quick glimpse of it all, just take a quick browse through ebay (like I just did). The above helmets are from one seller "who has been asked by a widow to sell her husband's huge military collection." Wow! They're stunning.

As military technology does evolve, so do blogs. With this post, I am evolving (and hopefully improving) the Tinselman blog by enlarging the standard size for images. I'm getting tired of looking at these tiny pictures! So here it is... the first of many larger images to come. Enjoy! (And click image to enlarge)

Wohba!

One of my favorite blogs, Wohba!, is crazy about illusions and posts a ton of 'em (among other things). But this one, which he did himself, totally takes the cake! I'm sure I hurt my eyes staring at it... just trying to believe what I was seeing!

Tree Cozy

Please don't be confused: this is not a painted tree. No no no... we're not interested in something as boring as that (and neither is the tree). This is a tree sweater! Or, as Carol Hummel, its creator calls it... a Tree Cozy. The tree will be enjoying its new hand crocheted outfit for a period of two years at Cleveland Heights City Hall in Severance Town Center. Meanwhile I can't help but wonder... how? How did she slip this tree into its fancy new clothing?

We are all impressed. You, me and the tree.

top photo ©2005, dabbler

I am Tinselman...

If you're a regular here at Tinselman, you may be aware that I spent some years of my youth on a skateboard...

Look at me go! A careening rocket of raw skateboarding might! I am pure energy! I am pure control! I am tinselman!

I'm not skateboarding so often these days but I still enjoy the decks. They're a lot more impressive then they were back then. So maybe the skateboarding kid in me has been thrilled to see these decks become slowly accepted as bonafide works of art!

If you'd like to view some of these decks, stop by the "3 Feet High" site and take a look at their gallery. 65 tattoo artists, illustrators, designers, photographers and fine artists, were each given a single blank deck and asked to explore a simple theme. The show will be running in Hoboken, New Jersey until June 2nd, 2006.

Previous skating posts:

• Whoah–Hey! and Dogtown
• Lords of Venice

Trencherous

Something has happened... either Gran Turismo has just been given a new bizarre twist or the roads of Germany have become inexplicably treacherous.

The second is closer to the truth. This magnificent saw-like beast is actually the world's largest trencher. Which is to say, she's an eating machine, devouring over 76,000 cubic meters of earth and coal every day! (And you should be impressed... because that's a lot of earth.)

To help you get a grasp on this, I present the Official Cubic Meter Comparision Chart (please click on links):

1. Water Tank – 15 cubic meters
2. Large Water Tank – 3750 cubic maters
3. Two Buildings – 93,300 (combined)

Of course our lovely beast doesn't do all this digging and eating on the roads of Germany. In these photos, she's simply traveling to her final destination. Wow... it would have been quite a site! Especially because, from nose to tail, she's almost 2.5 football fields in length! The trencher is on its way to an open air coal mine, where it can eat to its heart's content.

(click to enlarge)

(via: Pruned)

Mount St. Tinsel

On this beautiful, flowering, spring day, loyal Republic of Tinselman minister Adam Wilmer has volunteered to do the extraordinary: design and build our very first Republic of Tinselman city. We are awed. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Minister Wilmer.

I remind you, this Wilmer fellow is one talented son of a bitch. He's the very same guy that designed and created the Republic's fabulosio flag.

The details are thus: The city will be constructed out of toilet paper rolls because that is Minister Wilmer's medium of choice. The city will be constructed in miniature because the citizens of the Republic enjoy miniature stuff. And yeah, the city will be mayored by Brad Pitt.

Let me explain. The blogoshere has felt a tremor; oceans of tears at Bryan William Jones' Transvestic Draculina story. Just minutes after I posted it, Brad Pitt himself called me. He was weeping, which I really didn't get. He's got a really stupid sounding weep... it's almost funny. But then Angelina got on and it was just so damn real. The tears. The shared emotion. "Angelina," I said, "it's like this. When you're up there, on the silver screen, you and Brad, especially together, you both are so gorgeous, my God, it's not just acting, it's angelic."

And she wept and I wept. And Brad, he wept too. It was beautiful. "Robyn," he said, "I want to be a part of this... this tinselman thing. It's time for me to be more involved."

"No Brad." And that was difficult to say, but it was the right thing to say: "No, it's not time yet. You're not prepared. You need to clear your mind, to break the never-ending cycle of your self imposed fears. Consider this, just consider this one word because, in a manner of speaking, you've become trapped in the well of yourself. And I know this because I am the Khan of Tinselman. And the proclaimer of all things that are right and correct and true (and beautiful)." They had to agree with me there and they laughed, uncomfortably. I didn't laugh.

They wanted to know the one word. "Don't rush the Khan. He can sense your fears," but I think they were getting tired of the whole Khan thing so I dropped it and said the word... "Africa".

For about five minutes we all sat there in perfect silence. It was one of those moments where no one knows what to say, one of those processing moments. I kept waiting and waiting. I read a few blogs. I read a newspaper article. And I finally realized they had hung up on me.

Wow, I couldn't believe how completely rude they were! Little did I know, they had immediately called their agents and practically set up a mini sabatical to Africa. They left almost immediately and have since said it was the perfect thing and it was exactly what they needed but it's not what I meant at all! And... they cut off all communication to the outside world. So I had no way to contact them and say, "Hey! Angelina. Brad... really dumb idea. Especially being pregnant and all. I was only talking about renting the movie... Out of Africa.

But get this... turns out they recently, and quite "coincidentally", watched it while in Africa. It changed their lives (of course). And this is so beautiful... Angelina's water broke in the middle of the film but she couldn't stop watching. So they watched it again and again, nine times, throughout her labor and during the birthing! She said, and I quote (because I recorded the conversation), "because me and Brad, you know, we're so much like the two of them, I mean Meryl and Robert... oh, they were just so damn gorgeous! Just like us, you know! Like, and it's all there in Africa and, like... we're in Africa. And thank you, Khan. Thank you for giving all this to us. What did you think of the film?"

I had to admit I hadn't seen the film... it just sort of came to me. A Khanlian Word of Knowledge, so to speak. But I was overjoyed to hear her call me Khan. They had come around. They were ready to enter the fold.

And this is where we come back to our main subject: Minister Wilmer's toilet paper Republic of Tinselman city. We will need a mayor for this city and now that Brad and Angelina are obvious tinselistic loyalists (unlike William Shatner, who was a pig and a scoundrel) and because Brad Pitt was such an inspiration to our own Bryan William Jones, I have chosen Brad Pitt as the new Mayor of The Metropolis of Tinselman.

In addition, because Minister Wilmer is building the city, he says he deserves to be sub-Mayor under Mayor Pitt. Fine, fine, so be it... whatever you like, Adam.

He also wants permission to make out with Angelina Jolie.

This is preposterous! She's a new mother, for god's sakes! And more importantly, she's your sister in the Republic! Your sister, Adam! You want to make out with your sister?! Have you frickin' lost your mind?!

Okay... whew.

To inspire Minsiter Wilmer in his most bodacious task, the Khan (me) has constructed a miniature mountain. Since my post yesterday, I have been chewing bubble gum like a madman and now I think I've completed my masterpiece. Because what's a city without a mountain? And so... the Khan will live at the top of this mountain (in his palace, which I have yet to invent, but it will be spectacular). All officials and Ministers live on the hillside in their funkturos. Down below all the citizens go about their hustle and bustle in the spectacular city of toilet paper rolls.

Don't be fooled by these by these miniature representations! The Republic of Tinselman is as real as your own skin and bones! Just believe it... and it becomes real. The Khan says it. It is true.

Note: I didn't really make the bubble gum mountain. It was made over a period of two years by a number of choral students at West High School, Corning, NY. An attempt to sale it on ebay as a "must have for any serious Bubble Gum art collector" failed. I can't imagine why.

(Mount B.G. via: geisha asobi)

Tinselman Birthday

Look! A small neighborhood in an Osaka stadium! Isn't it quaint? Very sheltered, secure. I'm hoping it's a housing show. Who knows.

It brings to mind a post from the first month of the Tinselman blog...

The Hakka dwellings in China. They're amazingly similar to the stadium homes. Except they're made out of wood and I don't see any cars.

That was posted on 14th. A few days earlier, on May 4th, 2005 (a year ago today), was my first post. And so today is my Tinselman 1st Birthday! In celebration, I think it's time for a little reminiscing.

Using the magic internet time machine, we go back to my first month of posts. Enjoy them.

I will end this post with a excerpt from Dr. Seuss' "Happy Birthday to You!", unquestionably his greatest work.

So we'll go to the top of the toppest blue space,
The Official Katroo Birthday Sounding-Off Place!
Come on! Open your mouth and sound off at the sky!
Shout loud at the top of your voice, "I AM I!
ME!
I am I!
And I may not know why
But I know that I like it.
Three Cheers! I AM I!"

Stadium photo taken by Naoya Hatakeyama.

(photo via JonesBlog)

Of Bison and Bryan

I am very proud to announce that loyal tinselman reader Bryan William Jones has at last overcome one of his greatest phobias: buffalos. Imagine poor Bryan, such a frightened baby wimp that he would stoop to faking a buffalo photo just to impress tinselman readers. And we were actually impressed! Until he was overcome with guilt and admitted his offense.

His crime was a tinsel-atrocity. The vast majority of tinselman readers are proud to be friends with the buffalo and other frightening cattle creatures (as is demonstrated by the below photo of two tinselman readers – they are not faking their huggy love for the Watusi Steer):

The good news is: Bryan William Jones has finally redeemed himself by seeking out a herd of 600 bison and prostrating himself on the ground before them. That's 2400 legs trampling toward him, the ground shaking. As he explains in his blog, he had just finished watching that scene in Fight Club where the main character guy is convinced by the Brad Pitt guy (who's really just the dual part of the main character guy) to let go of his fears by letting go of the wheel of the car. Bryan explains how, suddenly he started sobbing like a like a little baby and saw visions of himself dressed as a female dracula. A transvestic "Draculina". I don't know what that has do with buffalo but he was inspired! This is when he knew it was time to confront the herd (thank you Brad Pitt). Something like that. It's a very interesting post. Kinda weird.

Fortunately he remembered to bring his camera and got a great snapshot of just one of the bison as