January 02, 2007

Irrefutable Long Horse Evidence

Longhorseskel

On December 4th, 2006, Skeptic said,

Please provide a picture of a skeleton or some other irrefutable evidence. If you are doing this as a joke, grow up and shut up. Thank you.

Well, Mr. Skeptic, here's your picture, kindly provided by The National Long Horse Museum in Hauteives, France. We long horse believers are quite sure that if you continue to deny this irrefutable long horse proof, you simply don't want to believe.

Unfortunately the skeleton is not in the best of condition. When I asked the Director of the museum to comment on this, he replied, "Vous croyez vraiment ceci? Vous des Américains croire n'importe quoi." I don't really understand French, but I think this roughly translates to,

Is this not a grand and astounding work of nature? You bet it is... so we now share it with you, our dearest Americans; you will always be like brothers and sisters to us (and three cheers for the long horse)!

Note: New! Do all your long horse reading at the dedicated long horse category!

January 2, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack

December 18, 2006

Long Horse of the Temoekoes

Longh

This Balinese long horse totem, posted by Mark Frauenfelder (ILHBA), clearly proves the existence of the long horse. On it's own, it should be enough to lay all long horse doubts to rest.

And yet, there's more...

Long horses were introduced to Bali by the Europeans in the 16th century. When the Balinese first saw the long horses, walking out onto the beaches, they fell on their faces, trembling. Of the event, it was written by the Dutch explorer, Cornelis de Houtman:

"The beasts are noble, powerful, and yet humble. To the natives, the long horses are as Gods and the Balinese worship them as such."

Even today, in Bali, there remains an undercurrent of worship and remembrance of the long horse. The sacred tree, known as Our Long Horse of Temoekoes (first noticed on June 17th, 1993) is a perfect example of this. The tree is "set apart" by a 2' high mark in the shape of a long horse. And even though your average Balinese would deny the belief of such a thing, thousands of pilgrims have continued to flock to the site, ever since it first appeared, to pray for miracles and healing.

Talk about proof! Wow! We are even more convinced than ever (and some of us are talking about a group pilgrimage to the site).

Thank you to Delissa Mel, a card carrying member of the ILHBA, who went all the way to Bali for this long horse story. Climbing to the site can be difficult and, unfortunately, Delissa forgot her camera. If any tinsel-reader has been to Our Long Horse of Temoekoes, please post your photo and send me the link!

December 18, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack

December 06, 2006

Longbody Lightning

Jockey01

Yesterday, Crystal May Marbury, the daughter of Lord Marbury, the one time owner of this noble thoroughbred, emailed me the above image. As she said in her email,

I hope this portrait of jockey P.J. Tarley, sitting astride "Longbody Lighting", aids you in your campaign against this anti-long-horse conspiracy. My father owned Longbody and, for a short time, while it was fashionable, Longbody was known as "The long horse that almost won the Derby."

Longbody was one of the last known long horses around. And he would have won, had he raced. Instead, he was disqualified. At the last minute, there was an important "new rule" regarding length of flank; Longbody obviously exceeded legal measurements.

Jockey02 If that's not enough to convince all you long horse "skeptics", then what about the long horses practically jumping out of the pages of great literature? Especially those that innocently adorn children's books... they're everywhere! From the Dutch classic Pluk van de Petteflet to the whimsically delightful Jeeno, Heloise, and Igamor, the Long, Long Horse (and who will ever be able to forget the kindness and loyalty of Igamor the long horse?... we will always remember him as a true friend).

Jockey03The evidence is overwhelming! And still, we gather together more evidence daily! Like this never-before-shown-in public long donkey. I myself had never even heard of the animal, but we can no longer be surprised by anything! The long horse is real. Like a voice, it has spoken. And it is saying,

I am a long horse, and damn proud of it! Don't stand in my way, or I'll crush you (and believe me, I weigh a hell of a lot more than those other wimpy equines)! I am a god among horses and men. But men enjoy the kill... which, by the way, is exactly what they did to all of us! Kill, kill, kill. Whew... it wasn't pretty either. And now you don't want us to be real! How convenient. Then who among you is the 'true believer'? Who has the faith to accept that which he cannot see? And so I say, unless you become as little children, you will never walk side by side with the long horse (which might just explain all those children's books).

Please, help keep the memory of the long horse alive for future generations. Spread the word and save the long horse.

(thanks Lord Marbury, and Brqkke)

December 6, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack

December 04, 2006

Proof at the Museum

Urn

Tinselman would like to thank all those at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Like us, they also believe in long horses! And they've been working very hard to prove our point by digging up art and objects of the past that depict the long horse.

Longhorsehist_1 Take, for example, this urn, dating from 1400 - 1370 B.C.. it virtually proves that long horses were used in chariot races. As Tinselman reader Daniel says,

I think this would fit splendidly into [the rapidly multiplying] collection of long horses throughout history. And... this is [yet another] real item. Anybody can go to the met and have a look at it if they don't believe it. Now isn't that cool?

December 4, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBack

Spread the Long Horse Word

Longhorse_1

Ladies and gentleman, we are caught in the middle of a long horse storm, so to speak. And what can be done to save the long horse?

Wiki_1Even now, malicious forces are attempting to erase all proofs of the horse's existence. Their latest move? They're going after one unassuming entry on wikipedia. What does one entry matter (in the general scheme of things)? But to them, everything matters! And so they are at work, night and day, wiping the world clean of all we know and love—our tears, our laughter, all those precious stories our grandparents told us—they are wiping it clean! Forever "purified" of the long horse. Is that the kind of world of lies in which you want yourself and your children to live? A world lies?! A world where long horse dreams are crushed?! So then, what can we do to stop these evil forces?

Join the ILHBA

That's right, you can join the International Long Horse Breeders Association. It's very simple, but it take some commitment! And you must swear to follow a few simple rules. They're easy as pie. Any long horse lover would be happy to comply. Mark Frauenfelder, at boingboing, will tell you all about them.

Spread the Long Horse Word

Don't let "them" (whoever the hell they are) get away with this! Once you've joined ILHBA, it's time to tell everyone you know the happy truth about the great horse that showed you the way! Write your friends! Call your mother! Preach a sermon! Or post it in your blog , like NDNL has done! This is grassroots, folks. We're talking anything that works... just tell the world about the long horse.

Shorthorse And please, just don't make up the facts! Remember, it's a long horse. Not a two legged horse.

Note: New long horse evidence just in.


December 4, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack

December 02, 2006

The Long Horse Conspiracy

Louis01
Manipulated photograph – Long horse has obviously been removed.

We're aghast. And we ask ourselves how the doubters refuse to believe in the long horse when so many have marveled at its elegance (and wept at it's demise).

But we may have the answer. Conspirators are afoot! And they mean to eradicate our beloved long horse from the collective memory.

One hour ago, I received the above photograph in an anonymous email, along with the terse statement: "here's more proof for you... ha! bastard!"

Like so many other retouched photographs of its kind, its obviously another attempt to extinguish all evidence of the long horse. Yet, here we can clearly see that the retouch is barely decent—it's your typical 'rush job', perhaps done for the purposes of combating the discussion on this blog—and it wouldn't fool an amateur. But the photo does make one thing clear: someone (probably a secret conglomerate, closely associated with the government) is working very hard to erase the long horse, even as we speak!

Louis02Well, by God, we won't stand for it! Because we stand for truth. And rightness. And because we are the kind of people who made little fluffy animals talk to one another when we were but wee-children. What kind of children were these back room schemers?! These plotters of evil? They were probably the type that stole your hat on the playground. Or kicked dirt on your magnifying glass, while you were trying to burn a leaf. Or... you get the picture. And so, we can only conjecture... what could be this conspiracy's motive? Why the gross rewriting of history? Especially when so many who are still living have seen the noble creature, first hand.

Note: New long horse evidence, just in!

Bring forward the witnesses...

Witness 1: Liberal Avenger says,

When I was in the Army in Italy in 1944 I saw a long horse that unfortunately had to be put down after a minor shrapnel wound to it's leg. So remarkly big and docile, she was. Her owner wept when we shot her at his request.

The village butcher made mortadella from her flesh (really!).

Witness 2: Testicles says,

When I was a child, my grandmother used to read me a story called "Jeeno, Heloise and Igamor, the Long, Long Horse". After she was done she'd tell me about growing up on the farm in Poland and the old long horse named Czeslaw that grazed in the pasture. She said her dad would tell her stories about the days when the horse would travel around Europe performing in shows. Poor Czeslaw died while my grandmother was young. I wish she had been able to take photographs.

Witness 3: anomalous4 says,

Mark Twain mentioned long horses at least twice, in an article published in the San Francisco Bulletin and another in the Californian (a weekly literary journal).

Witness 4: Reese says,

The digestive and circulatory problems involved in such a long bodied mammal are exactly why this breed died out - once they got to adulthood, the strain was just too much. Unfortunately they required so much more food that most farms didn't have more than one or 2. This caused a drastic downswing in breeding stocks....

...These long horses were a true marvel to behold in their day. My grandparents cared for one on their homestead in Alberta for a few months, but it wasn't a healthy enough specimen to ever try riding it unfortunately.

Witness 5: raincoaster says

It's such a shame that people can't let us grieve for these magnificent equines, but must constantly quibble and question. Does sorrow need footnotes? Does despair require a citation?

I bow my head and recall with sorrow the memory of these now-fallen gentle giants.

December 2, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (14) | TrackBack

November 15, 2006

Extinct Breeds

Longhorse01

If you flip through old photos, you might be lucky enough to run into this now-extinct "long horse". It was strong, handsome and could carry up to four people at one time but, because of overwork, the horses tended to die young and, to put it bluntly, the population was eventually used to death.

A substantial collection of long horse photos, curated by Hardy Burmeier, is now on display.

Longhorse03_1

November 15, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (203) | TrackBack