August 28, 2007
Russians Say Sky Dog Still Alive
Frank Sinatra sings of the stars (1943). Later, the Soviets show their stuff by sending a small, furry animal into space (1957)...
August 21, 2007
The Odious Mini-Wikis
Bad news, citizens! While Wilmey and Angelina were wasting my precious time with news of their "performance", the wikipedians have not rested one moment. And thanks to the loyal spy work of patriotic citizen, Paula Deen, we now know exactly what they're up to!
I want all of you to know: citizen Deen gave her life for this story – she expired soon after returning from the field. We will no longer hear the wandering stories of her sons, Bobby and Jamie, nor will we ever again taste her sweet, southern home cooking.
<lusty cheers and all-around drunken behavior from the Republic of Tinselman masses>
Instead, we will taste revenge!!! Argh!!!
<lusty cheers and all-around drunken behavior from the Republic of Tinselman masses>
I can't exactly quote Deen, because it even took us awhile to figure out what the hell she was jabbering on about. From the best we could tell, it kind of goes like this: the wikipedians have created a clandestine agency and have been planning an attack against the Republic of Tinselman for a long time. Their plan is pure genius! They've bred an army of what they call the mini-wikis: miniature, hideously monstrous, virtually indestructible beings which will invade our dearest Republic of Tinselman, whilst riding on miniature, super-powered motorcycles (which are engineered out of recycled wristwatch parts).
So the question remains: how do we fight back? How does a fledgling nation of brave souls defend and overcome the hordes of depraved wikipedians (and their odious mini-wikis)?
In an earlier post, Minister Ren had an inspired idea (and oh, how I wish it were my own own!): replace the emblem of the wikipedia federation with something that will drive them all absolutely bonkers. Responding to Ren's idea, citizen Akiyoshki seems to have come up with the perfect thing (though he died doing it):
At the above miniaturized size, our newly re-designed wikipedia emblem is perfectly harmless, but, at actual size, it can send any weak-minded being into convulsive fits, followed by total insanity (or death) in a matter of only seconds. I warn you, do not enlarge the image... unless you think you can handle it.
So we all agree it's a really great logo, right?... but we've still got an enormous problem: we have no idea how to sneak our emblem onto the wikipedia site.
And even now, the odious mini-wikis are approaching our boarders! We must do something! Quickly!...
August 20, 2007
The Great Khan Opens
Dear citizens of the Republic, I was awakened by a call from our most heroic minister of all, Super Gopher Boy Wilmey. "Yo... Khan," he said, "Me and the mother are hanging at the Great Khan, and we're totally diggin' it! It's all so wow-magical! Woah-hey!!! What I'm about to tell you, baby, is gonna totally going to blow your frickin' frackin' mind! Man-dude!"
"The mother?" I asked. It was four in the morning and I'd been up the previous night until the wee hours watching entertaining and informative television programs (like The Jeffersons and Full House).
"Yeah, you know, the mother of the Republic: Angelina. And she's got a new squeeze now; he's here too, baby, but I can't tell you about that, because it's still sort of hush-hush and, of course, it's all part of the performance, ya know?" And of course I didn't know. So it really bugged me when he and Angelina began giggling and giggling (in that high-pitched giggling voice, which is especially annoying).
I sat up and wiped my eyes. "What's going on over there with you two?! What performance?! I swear, Wilmey... I swear, I'm gonna--!" but I couldn't think of anything. And besides, I suddenly had a much better idea...
I ripped the entire phone right off the wall and I stuffed it with loads of M-80's (I had to use a hammer to crush as many of them in there as humanly possible). Then I put the phone inside my television set. How absolutely ingenious! Ah... I finally felt a bit of relief...
Or so I thought. Ten minutes later, my cell phone rang... I'd forgotten about my cell phone. And it was Wilmey! His first words? "Wait! Don't hang up! This is mega-totally-tinselistically important! You gotta hear it!" So I waited...
"Great," he said, "Remember From Emergence to Inferno? This is going to be so much better! And it's live! A live performance! Get it? In fact, we've even built an exclusive theater called the 'Great Khan'... named after you of course, and I think we're really going to pack 'em in on this one. I'm talking droves and droves of loyal citizens of the Republic!""
"Named after me?" I thought maybe he'd gotten something wrong. But after this, he ended up getting so excited about their "secret project" that he suddenly transformed into his gopher-boy form, and I couldn't get a thing out of him: all he could do was make useless grunting sounds.
Fortunately, Angelina took the phone and the whole story became clear. They basic matter of their play will deal with the ongoing war between the Republic of Tinselman and wikipedia (our greatest enemies). It is being written by none other than Angelina Jolie and Super Gopher Boy Wilmey, and will star Angelina, Wilmey, and another chosen but, as of yet, unannounced actor. As Angelina said to me, "We want this other actor's presence to be, not just a surprise, but almost something of a downright shock." She said, "When I first met him – when I looked into his eyes – something wonderful happened – something beyond wow-magicalness; I not only knew he was the one for part, I also knew he was the one for me: more than Brad, more than Billy Bob: there's such a deepness, a thoughtfulness; he is the very essence of manliness and raw sexuality (even though he's a bit chubby around the edges... but we'll have to work on that)."
I obviously wanted to meet this powerhouse of a human being, but it seems he's recently buried himself deep below the surface of the earth, where he's now in the delicate pupa stage of transformation (how curious). Fortunately this should all be over in another week or two... just in time for opening night!
"Listen Angelina," I said, trying to encourage her, "I totally appreciate your spirit and so on and blah blah blah, but I'm the Khan, and what I say goes, and right now we have some serious war mongering--"
Too late... there was a dial tone on the other end.
Oh well... they've got me curious anyway. And they did name the theater after me.
August 11, 2007
I Smell War... Again!
Dearest people of the Repulbic (of Tinselman)... warning! Strange things are afoot. Just the other day, this video was sent to us (and by "us", I'm simply refering to my own Khanly amazingness, which is probably as freakishly great as Obiwan, or Gandolf the white, in the second Lord of the Rings movie, when you first see him, and he's glowing like a white, glowing god, and everyone has to blind their eyes – the mere sight of him is awe-inspiring... that's how tinselistic wow-magical I've become! In fact, I even speak with a deeper voice! Downright thunderous! And grown men faint when I pass! I am the Tinselkhan!)
So anyway, an anonymous source sent this video to me and, of course, my first reaction was uncontrolled laughter. What a great prank to play; I wish I'd thought of it myself! I was relaxed and happy, until I realized that the "offended" car was my own!... parked directly in front of our RoP London embassy building.
I can only come to one conclusion. This direct attack on my car was by none other than our greatest and most longstanding enemy: the wikipedians. Have you read their entry on fireworks?!... it makes me want to puke! Who else would be equipped for such an attack?! They have struck at the heart of our Republic (I really loved that car... I mean, it was like zen-and-the-art-of-car type of love... It only had 13,000 miles on it, and I was about to install a new sound system and everything. Quad speakers, the works, so I guess I saved some dough on the sound system, but still, I'm pretty pissed about the car itself).
So we're striking back. I'm not sure how. We will be subtle. We will be move like a graceful dancer (or many of them, moving together, gracefully), and we will strike. But not with fireworks. (anyone have any good ideas?)
By the way, we won the war against the Museum of Dust! I'm not sure what happened, but I think, after they chased us into space, they made a wrong turn or something, and got lost. That pretty much spelled their demise: it wasn't long before they were captured by aliens and placed into jars of formaldehyde!... (at last we see their true forms!)
Note: Do not believe what you read on their website. It is full of misinformation and lies!