September 12, 2006
Uber-Brain Inky Madness
Hell in a Handbasket, Part 3 – Octobrain
We've got problems, citizens. Recently I recieved a note from Cog, a concerned citizen, a portion of which went as followed:
So, if you've seen my spider please tell him we need him -- I'm beside myself, the sponge-cats are restive and the staff are revolting.
IMPORTANT. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CAPTURE, COERCE OR TAMPER WITH THE SPIDER.
He has a large arsenal, many arms, and a very short temper.
Typically I'd read something like this with a good deal of skepticism. Not this time. Instead I felt a knot forming in the pit of my stomach and, almost immediately, I recalled what I had been trying for so long to forget. Octobrain!
Yes, of course I'm talking about the final episode of Hell in Handbasket and our harrowing escape from the U.S. aliens. To be quite honest, I can't bear to go into all the details. But I can certainly fill you in on some of the more interesting parts!
For example, I'm almost certain we did see Inky. That's him above, between those two alien thugs. I like this shot because I managed to capture everyone (except me).
Super Gopher Boy Wilmey completely lived up to his name! That's him on the left, taken immediately after he burst through the doors and rescued me and Angelina. Wow... what a powerhouse! (By the way, he didn't want me to take his photo, but I said it was history in the making... plus I wanted it for the blog).
Oh yeah... this is that Octobrain jerk. That's what we all called him: Octobrain. But the thugs called him "Dr. Uber-Brain" or just plain "Inky". As you can see, he's not exactly a spider but I'm still almost certain that this is the Inky that Cog lost... in a bloated sort of way. As Cog explained to me, "his defining feature is his beautiful eyes... once seen, never forgotten." I can't think of a more apt description of Octobrain. He practically hyptonized with his powerful stare and he seemed to have no trouble hypnotizing Brad (Pitt).
Oh this Octobrain was hideous. And I'm not just talking physically... he seem to so long ago have lost all semblance of a soul. You know the type: Darth Vaderish. Maybe worse... Emperor Palpatine-ish! Except Emperor Palpatine didn't live in a spherical tank and eat humans for dinner! Worst of all (and I'm sure Cog will be bitterly disapointed to hear this) Octobrain was the mastermind behind the U.S. alien invasion! It was all his planning! His idea! Which leads one to wonder what other U.S. invasions he's planned.
Gopher Boy finally got fed up and made a courageous (but rather foolhardy) attempt to smash Octobrain's glass globe. Unfortunately he only achieved a sore hand before he was beat to a bluddy pulp by the nearest thug. But the distraction did provide us with our means of escape!
To make a long story short, we eventually found an handy escape pod. It was very cool... just like Star Wars.
At the end of the day, I don't think we're any better off. Inky is still out there and we're still at war. Megophias Megophias! Resist the Invasion! Long live the Republic! Long Live the Khan! (me)
Your illustrious Khan
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What?! Dr. Uber-Brain planned the invasion? But I thought it was OUR idea . . .! Curses. Did they pre-empt us?
Posted by: Rupert Murdoch | Sep 13, 2006 3:01:49 AM
Rubert... shhhh. Are you trying to ruin everything?!
Posted by: Robyn | Sep 13, 2006 9:12:38 AM
These things are incredibly complicated!... they always are.
Posted by: Robyn | Sep 13, 2006 9:13:38 AM
"Are you trying to ruin everything?!"
It's always worked for me in the past, but no, not this time.
Thing is, I've never been so confused since I signed up to RoT! All these things happening that I happen not to know about before they actually happen . . . it's never happened to me before.
A most humbling experience.
Posted by: Rupert Murdoch | Sep 14, 2006 3:32:23 AM
Okay... because this is just a comment, I'm going to be perfectly straight with you. I thought we had an understanding, Rupey. You were supposed to talk (top-secret-style) with the U.S. and arranged to have us invaded. In fact, I'm sure that's what you did! Presumably, you also spoke to this "Inky" creature... and to Wikipedia (which is the evil controlling force behind Inky... though I haven't announced this yet).
And of course, everything is all going exactly as planned. We now have an excuse for war! Hurray! Imagine the publicity this will bring! And we will be seen as the underdogs.
We're already getting stupendous publicity for our ingenious maneuver! The proof of this... every day millions visit this blog for the latest RoP news!
By the way, I have some awful news... Minister and Sub-Mayor Super Gopher Boy Wilmey, severly traumatized by our capture and eventual escape, has utterly disapeared. We are concerned and have heard nothing. Wilmey, if you're out there... the Republic needs you!
Posted by: Robyn | Sep 14, 2006 10:04:12 AM
Dear Khan Robyn,
Yes, I can confirm that I spoke with the US and the many-legged Wikipede. ON THE RECORD, I do not recall any correspondence with Dr. Uber-Brain aka Inky. (Personally, that spider's a loose cannon, won't take directions, & scares me somewhat.) I can only imagine that Inky BUGGED my phone, or my whole house . . . indeed all of my houses and phones.
OFF THE RECORD ... hell, I'm not going to reveal classified information (pertaining to dealings between Inky and myself) on this blog, which as you point out is read by millions each day! I suggest we meet in secret at the Mood-food Cafe, usual time, to swap notes on this sticky web of intrigue.
Oh, and Super Gopher Boy Wilmey, you are encouraged to come along. Bring some friends!
Posted by: Rupey | Sep 14, 2006 11:26:27 PM
People people people – oh and Your Illustrious Khan… I obviously have to draw your attention to incontrovertible proof that that (mysteriously fascinating) Dr Uber-Brain is actually a mutant squid. Or possibly an octopus that’s very well camouflaged. The give-away is his propensity to squirt a vile-smelling indigo-blue ink when irritated. I think that you’ll find that that’s what happened to Super Gopher Boy (unless he’s gone off to look for the real Inky?!?), he was drenched and is even now trying to scrub its stain from his skin.
Additionally, I strongly suspect that you will find that U-B and Murdoch are actually one and the same. The octopus, after all, is a master of disguise. Try him on a bit of Oktapodi Toursi when you’re down at Moodfoods and just see what his reaction is.
Posted by: Incognita Nom de Plume (Dir.) | Sep 15, 2006 10:42:42 AM
oh, I of course meant to add an appreciation of the share courage it took you, YIK, to force youself to relive this traumatic experience, only to discover that it wasn't Inky. Crushing I know, but I'm sure your loyal citizens will thrill to your erxploits. And the catharsis can only be good for you.
Posted by: Incognita Nom de Plume (Dir.) | Sep 15, 2006 10:46:26 AM
Woah, hang on a second. The boy in the photo is Super Gopher Boy Wilmey? But he was part of the invasion force that raided my house. Check out the relevant B&W photo: http://tinselman.typepad.com/tinselman/2006/07/report_from_the_1.html
---"That's him on the left, taken immediately after he burst through the doors"---- I'll bet! A real expert at bursting through doors, I hear. But one thing isn't clear: Wilmey, where are you now?
Posted by: Mark | Sep 21, 2006 11:32:07 PM