May 12, 2006
Mount St. Tinsel
On this beautiful, flowering, spring day, loyal Republic of Tinselman minister Adam Wilmer has volunteered to do the extraordinary: design and build our very first Republic of Tinselman city. We are awed. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Minister Wilmer.
I remind you, this Wilmer fellow is one talented son of a bitch. He's the very same guy that designed and created the Republic's fabulosio flag.
The details are thus: The city will be constructed out of toilet paper rolls because that is Minister Wilmer's medium of choice. The city will be constructed in miniature because the citizens of the Republic enjoy miniature stuff. And yeah, the city will be mayored by Brad Pitt.
Let me explain. The blogoshere has felt a tremor; oceans of tears at Bryan William Jones' Transvestic Draculina story. Just minutes after I posted it, Brad Pitt himself called me. He was weeping, which I really didn't get. He's got a really stupid sounding weep... it's almost funny. But then Angelina got on and it was just so damn real. The tears. The shared emotion. "Angelina," I said, "it's like this. When you're up there, on the silver screen, you and Brad, especially together, you both are so gorgeous, my God, it's not just acting, it's angelic."
And she wept and I wept. And Brad, he wept too. It was beautiful. "Robyn," he said, "I want to be a part of this... this tinselman thing. It's time for me to be more involved."
"No Brad." And that was difficult to say, but it was the right thing to say: "No, it's not time yet. You're not prepared. You need to clear your mind, to break the never-ending cycle of your self imposed fears. Consider this, just consider this one word because, in a manner of speaking, you've become trapped in the well of yourself. And I know this because I am the Khan of Tinselman. And the proclaimer of all things that are right and correct and true (and beautiful)." They had to agree with me there and they laughed, uncomfortably. I didn't laugh.
They wanted to know the one word. "Don't rush the Khan. He can sense your fears," but I think they were getting tired of the whole Khan thing so I dropped it and said the word... "Africa".
For about five minutes we all sat there in perfect silence. It was one of those moments where no one knows what to say, one of those processing moments. I kept waiting and waiting. I read a few blogs. I read a newspaper article. And I finally realized they had hung up on me.
Wow, I couldn't believe how completely rude they were! Little did I know, they had immediately called their agents and practically set up a mini sabatical to Africa. They left almost immediately and have since said it was the perfect thing and it was exactly what they needed but it's not what I meant at all! And... they cut off all communication to the outside world. So I had no way to contact them and say, "Hey! Angelina. Brad... really dumb idea. Especially being pregnant and all. I was only talking about renting the movie... Out of Africa.
But get this... turns out they recently, and quite "coincidentally", watched it while in Africa. It changed their lives (of course). And this is so beautiful... Angelina's water broke in the middle of the film but she couldn't stop watching. So they watched it again and again, nine times, throughout her labor and during the birthing! She said, and I quote (because I recorded the conversation), "because me and Brad, you know, we're so much like the two of them, I mean Meryl and Robert... oh, they were just so damn gorgeous! Just like us, you know! Like, and it's all there in Africa and, like... we're in Africa. And thank you, Khan. Thank you for giving all this to us. What did you think of the film?"
I had to admit I hadn't seen the film... it just sort of came to me. A Khanlian Word of Knowledge, so to speak. But I was overjoyed to hear her call me Khan. They had come around. They were ready to enter the fold.
And this is where we come back to our main subject: Minister Wilmer's toilet paper Republic of Tinselman city. We will need a mayor for this city and now that Brad and Angelina are obvious tinselistic loyalists (unlike William Shatner, who was a pig and a scoundrel) and because Brad Pitt was such an inspiration to our own Bryan William Jones, I have chosen Brad Pitt as the new Mayor of The Metropolis of Tinselman.
In addition, because Minister Wilmer is building the city, he says he deserves to be sub-Mayor under Mayor Pitt. Fine, fine, so be it... whatever you like, Adam.
He also wants permission to make out with Angelina Jolie.
This is preposterous! She's a new mother, for god's sakes! And more importantly, she's your sister in the Republic! Your sister, Adam! You want to make out with your sister?! Have you frickin' lost your mind?!
To inspire Minsiter Wilmer in his most bodacious task, the Khan (me) has constructed a miniature mountain. Since my post yesterday, I have been chewing bubble gum like a madman and now I think I've completed my masterpiece. Because what's a city without a mountain? And so... the Khan will live at the top of this mountain (in his palace, which I have yet to invent, but it will be spectacular). All officials and Ministers live on the hillside in their funkturos. Down below all the citizens go about their hustle and bustle in the spectacular city of toilet paper rolls.
Don't be fooled by these by these miniature representations! The Republic of Tinselman is as real as your own skin and bones! Just believe it... and it becomes real. The Khan says it. It is true.
Note: I didn't really make the bubble gum mountain. It was made over a period of two years by a number of choral students at West High School, Corning, NY. An attempt to sale it on ebay as a "must have for any serious Bubble Gum art collector" failed. I can't imagine why.
(Mount B.G. via: geisha asobi)
May 12, 2006 | Permalink
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Okay, just went out and bought like the jumbotron sized 86 pack of toilet paper from like one of those bulk Sam's Club places... surprisingly cheap, I might add... and I'm ready to dazzle! Also too Robyn, I think by now we've all heard that rumor that Angelina made out with her brother once (real life biological brother I might add) if that rumor is even 11.593% true, then my desire to make out with her becomes less disgusting and more and more plausible... she's freakin' hot... is all I'm sayin'... hotty hot pants hot... I need a cold shower now...
Posted by: Adam Wilmer | May 12, 2006 4:32:42 PM
You know another reason I should be allowed to make out with Angelina? Because according to the horribly sophomoric website www.celebmatch.com I am 64% compatible with Ms. Jolie. Not impressed? Well... neither was I until I learned good old Brad was only 63% compatible with her. I'm 1% sexier than Brad Pitt. Hey... it ain't much... but I'll take it...
Posted by: Adam Wilmer | May 12, 2006 6:58:00 PM
"They had to agree with me there and they laughed, uncomfortably. I didn't laugh."
hahahahahah... that's awesome.
Posted by: Anton Purr | May 15, 2006 7:54:06 AM
there's something lovely in reading someone elses odd conversations...
Posted by: Eleri | May 15, 2006 10:17:40 AM
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