September 08, 2005
Republic of Tinselman
"It's taken a bloody long time to achieve my ambition but I always knew I'd win... Nobody took me seriously at first, but my lawyer told me I had a legal right to stay on Sealand and make it my Principality... That was over 30 years ago and from that day have been determind to prove the point. I never imagined I would have such a devil of a job, but I don't regret a moment of it. It's been a huge adventure."
– Prince Roy of Sealand
As interviewed by Rachel Murphy in The Mirror
What do you do when you find yourself with an abandoned WWII sea-tower, six miles off the coast of Britain? What else... you claim the tower as your Sovereign Kingdom and pronounce yourself Sovereign Prince. And when the British Navy comes rolling around to see what the hell you think you're doing, you naturally fight them. Afterall, you must defend your new Principality. So you shoot at them with your gun. And this annoys them and so they leave.
So it was that, in 1967, Sealand won it's first war against the Britsh Navy. E Mare Libertas! "From the Sea, Freedom!" This became the motto of Prince Roy of Sealand when, soon after Prince Roy's skirmish with the Navy, the British courts realized they had no jurisdiction over Roy's tiny empire.
Today, The Princinpality of Sealand has it's own flag, currency, passports, stamps, and all the other accoutrements of a nation. Hm... it almost makes one want to start his own nation. The Republic of Tinselman?
September 8, 2005 | Permalink
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I would like to be citizen of Tinseland. ;-)
Posted by: Ohvhil | Sep 9, 2005 5:05:23 AM
O' Great and Wonderful Oz...er Khan,
I am hereby applying for citizenship. As I approach codgerdom I crave serenity along with eclecticism. I have become wise beyond my years. In other words, I've begun thinking more like a child again. The Republic of Tinselman appeals to me.
I do not covet your President for Life duties and obligations although I posess all of the necessary qualifications for the post except for the last. I crashed a shuttlecraft as a lad and was drummed out of Star Fleet. That damned pompous Kirk cast the deciding vote.
I do not really desire a ministerial position, something along the lines of a low level lackey will be fine. I don't need to hobnob with Brad and Angelina. Just the occasional glimpse of her breasts from a distance will be fine. I met Moses once, but he was a little uppity so I've had my fill of celebrity. I also do not need to live in the lofty climes of the mountain. Something at sea level, perhaps under the ass end of the Lucy V ??? A tidy little Funkturo maybe...painted brown.
I do feel compelled to express my feelings on a couple of points before my hoped-for acceptance.
I pledge allegiance to the flag and all that it stands for and my only suggestion here is that it must always be made of some non-flammable material. There will always be dissidents.
Since you now have stamps, you must have a national currency. Perhaps the self-same toilet paper that is the fabric of this little universe.
Oh, and a national "bird". Something that would represent the nuances of the national "gesture" without actually extending the middle finger. I suggest the ostrich. (They don't really stick their heads in the sand at the first hint of danger...do they?) I think there's something deeply spiritual in their countenance, and..."Whoa-Hey"....one egg and you're fed for the day!
Also, whatever public health endeavors you establish will need a catch-phrase to capture the publics imagination. Something to inspire them like the incredibly insightful "Just Say NO." I humbly submit either the old chestnut "Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?" or "Do You Think Its Broken?" I think they both convey an air of concern mixed with the air of levity that all civilizations need so that they don't take themselves too seriously. Whichever you deem appropriate.
Along the lines of national defense and the war with NSK, I know your infatuation with pink armament and wonder if the comouflage techniques I found on the following website could there for be reproduced in the aforementioned color?
Just a couple more, bear with me.
I absolutely urge that no telephones be allowed in the Republic unless they are these new-fangled picture phones. These assure that the person you're conversing with isn't rolling their eyes or miming putting their finger down their throat. I hate that.
Finally I also implore that you positively DO NOT ALLOW ANY ROBOTS in the realm. They fail the second part of a personal credo, the advice of a long dead(beat) uncle. He advised, "Never trust anyone or anything that can't open a jar or lend you money."
I am heartened by your acceptance of the necessity of the car. I am a connoisseur of fine automobiles and anticipate bringing my '72 Pinto with me. Of course, eventually the latest technology will have to prevail and all the cars will be constructed of wood. And a little more speculation, perhaps the alternative energy source of the future for the Republic of Tinselman will be ostrich manure...harkening back to the importance of the national avian species.
Whew, I'm exhausted pondering the machinations involved in thoughtful governance. Taxing on the old bean. That's why I only desire mere citizenship and no titled position. To be allowed to slowly mildew and finally attain a vegetative state. I do have some experience as an animal whisperer so to speak. That may be my final true calling. I once through sheer force of will persuaded a bilious schnauzer to merely bite my hand a couple of times rather than devour my entire appendage.
I defer to your benevolent sovereignty. I have expressed my opinions and desires. Already that is more than most citizens of the world are allowed. Feel free to implement any or all of my insightful ponderances as you wish...free of charge.
I tremble with the anticipation of acceptance into this ambitious Republic of Tinselman!!!
Wm. Grayston Jr., III, MD, MBA, Rhodes Scholar, Knight of the Realm, Casanova, Blah Blah Blah
Posted by: mcbill | Jun 2, 2006 12:57:15 PM
You're more than in! I don't even know what to say... I'm awed... simply and utterly awed. You do us honor. (welcome... and sustained applause)
Posted by: Robyn | Jun 2, 2006 1:11:48 PM
Oh Great Kahn,
I come to you in this hour of crisis for the Republic to reassure you of the adoration and support the populace has in your leadership and ,in fact, your royal kahndom itself. (Is that how it's spelled?)
I have been working silently behind the scenes to further this noble social endeavor since you graciously granted me citizenship. Coincidentally I have been pondering the designation of a national rodent... obviously the gopher is now a strong candidate! And a suggestion that a small shiny red apple be added to the national insignia above the serpent. This I believe would signify "Hope" and might placate the more spiritual of the masses.
But all this became immediately irrelevant with the invasion. In my own small way I've come up with a couple of ideas. I've been working on larger and smaller variations of the official vehicle to boost defense. I was thinking a smaller jeeplike support vehicle called the "cocktailsausagemobile", and a larger floating battleshiplike "Graf Knockwurst".
Glad the uniforms aren't headed in the direction of pink! Hard to camouflage pink. You are repainting the tanks..right?
But in fact it was your rallying of the troops so to speak that got me pondering a national emergency hotline, and in my tireless efforts to further the cause I stumbled across the automated script of the United States Government International Crisis Center. I just changed the US to Republic of Tinselman and... voila... a seviceable start if I say so myself. I think the institution of such a system allowing the civilian masses to be involved in times of national emergency can only improve the population's morale and help the Republic's response time. And how delicious that we can turn our sworn enemy's techniques against them! Here it is for your consideration:
"Thank you for calling the Reublic of Tinselman's International Crisis Center. Your call is important to us, and will be answered by an operator in the order it was received. Sometimes this may take a while.
If your name is Bambi and your blouse doesn't match your skirt, hang up and go back to the mall.
Meanwhile, if you have any information regarding an urgent natural disaster, please press one and just leave a message. (Those guys at FEMA are pretty cranky at 4 in the morning.)
If your gasoline and energy costs have reached crisis proportions.... we know already. Get a second job!
If your message is about a humanitarian emergency, press two. Why not brew a pot of coffee and grab a copy of "War and Peace" while you wait.
If you have witnessed widespread bloodshed, the massacre of civilians, or if intervention is needed right away to avert World War Three, press three. Forget the coffee, you might want to crack open that bottle of bourbon in the cupboard... your hands are shaking.
If the missiles are in the air, press four repeatedly while looking for a place to duck and cover. Finish the bourbon.
If you would like to learn more about our military weapons sales program, please press five for immediate attention and a direct line to the Defense Department. Please mention Code B-1 for our special discount this week on bombers.
If you have any information concerning a terrorist threat or breach of national security, the phone number for the CIA is on the back of the decoder ring found in specially marked boxes of Sugar Smacks cereal. You do eat Sugar Smacks don't you? Oh sure, you've got plenty of bourbon but no cereal in the house? Can't you at least do your part to help protect our country? Run down to the grocery store and grab some. Oh, and... you're running low on mayonnaise and toilet paper. Can't survive any extended emergency without enough TP. Few people know that you really don't need a pansy-assed gas mask, just wrap the roll of toilet paper a few times around your head and you're good to go!... Anyway, get a roll of duct tape from the hardware store on the way home too. Now you're prepared!
If Armageddon is here, please press 666.
Thank you for calling the Reublic of Tinselman's International Crisis Center, serving the needs of a whining, pampered populace since 1959. Still on the line? See it wasn't all that urgent now was it?
What's that you say... A flaming meteor the size of Albania is about to strike the earth?
1. Were you into the Jack Daniels before you called?
2. And you took the time to call us? MWAH HAH! MWAH HAH!! Call your mother one last time dumbass.
3. What the hell did you expect us to do? Some shit is just to big to handle! WE"RE ALL SCREWED!!!!!
Have a nice day."
Well, some further editing may be necessary, but you get my drift. The "missile" part for instance. We do have missiles don't we? Not just guys with pointed sticks? Anyway....
In this gravest hour, know that I and all right thinking Tinselmanians ARE all behind you!
Allons enfants de la patrie...blahez, blahez, blahez.
In deference to your grand benevolent Kahndom, (There it is again.)
Wm. Grayston Jr., IV, AM&FM, sage and oracle.
PS: The microchip thing. You have tried an expectorant? And if that doesn't work, try smoking an entire black watchplaid cigar in one sitting. Did that when I was 17 and nearly coughed up an entire lung! Don't hesitate to call if I can be of any other service.
PS:ps: Damn, I almost forgot. "Mecha Gi-An" can easily be defeated if we construct a twelveteenth feet high David Duchovney to seduce her!! (I smell a blockbuster here!)
Posted by: mcbill | Aug 16, 2006 6:37:29 PM
Wow . . .. I'm glad I decided to browse through old posts, or I wouldn't have seen these comments. Where's McBill these days, I wonder?
Posted by: Danxia | Nov 1, 2006 5:13:08 AM