Attention crew... I've got some good news and then some bad news and then more bad news and then more bad news and then more bad news and then some really stupendous news and then some god awful news.
First the good news, as reported on Rockbridge. We finally found the Khan! Isn't this totally stupendous? There was a lot of celebrating all around. We were all so thrilled to behold his mighty face!
Unfortunately, as again reported on Rockbridge, this Khan turned out to be a fraud. A false Khan, so to speak. He was a robot—and so, amid our disappointment, we burned him at the stake as soon as possible.
Bad news #2: The museum of Dust finally attacked; they attacked with the mad fury of stampeding horses... fiery hooves pounding across a desert of death... and fire. We were overrun! Screaming. Oh, the pain! Spiders everywhere. Nowhere to go. I've never seen so many arachnids. Our phasers were useless... especially against these armored fem-spiders (see photo).
As you all are well aware, the life support for the ship was almost run out. And so: bad news #3: During the attack, all air supplies were finally depleted and we started to die.
Okay, you ready for the stupendous news! Just as the last crew member (who weirdly turned out to be Rupey) was taking in his last breath, suddenly, all the spiders and entire ship and everything else around just sort of disappeared, and we were all breathing normally and were alive again! And then we all heard a voice, and it said, "Holodeck program over. Please leave the holodeck to main ship."
I know this might be a little difficult to digest, but it turns out that this was all part of that holodeck prank we played on you. None of us had ever actually found our way out of the holodeck. We've all been trapped in a virtual Enterprise for... I don't even know how long. Isn't that just a total riot! So I guess it was like a holodeck in a holodeck in a holodeck! Ha! What fun! What a laugh, huh?!
But let's get serious 'cause I've got some more bad news, and you can probably guess what it is. No one's had been taking care of the Enterprise for awhile so, when we emerged from our little adventure, the ship was on a collision course with an unknown planet. And we were still surrounded by the Museum of Dust. The impact was severe. Fortunately, no one was wounded... to the point of death.
The ship will not fly again. We've not been able to find food or water. The Museum of Dust ships are hovering in the air above us. It's looking bad, folks.
Could this be the end of the Republic of Tinselman? Will we all die here on this god-forsaken planet? Will we all be eaten by swarms of spiders and fem-spiders?
