Your Illustrious Khan and his bodyguard disciples.
Hello faithful citizens! I'm back and I'm lookin' fine, baby! Here I am with a few of my new bodyguards – very official looking – and I've decided to wear white from now on. I think it represents purity and goodness. The citizens will see white and think "there's a Khan who's without blemish." Some citizens have already sworn they've seen a heavenly white light falling across my brow – sort of Jesus-like. I'm thinking of calling it my "Jesus look". And of course, I can't help but think of my guards as my personal "disciples".
Anyway... sorry to gone for so long. I assure you, I conducted a good deal of Republic of Tinselman business during my little "vacation".
The Election
I proclaim myself the winner of this ridiculous little "election"! Do I even need to explain myself?
I have the right to claim victory because no one (other than Qarl) will oppose me in my claim. But more importantly, there were discrepancies in the vote count. We know this is true because I say it's true. I win! Victory to me!
In celebration of my great victory, I've written a new slogan for the Republic! Here it is:
"Rebellion to Tyrants is Obediance to Khan"
Do you hate our Tyrants? Then you will obey me and kill these Tyrants, or you will also be considered a tyrant (or at least this is what Rupert said the slogan meant and he's the one who adapted it from some older slogan).
So who are the greatest tyrants of the Republic? Well that's pretty obvious. We've got Minister Qarl and we've the dreaded Museum of Dust. And while I was on "vacation" I put myself in grave danger in order to investigate both of these terror-mongering entities. You won't believe what I found out!...
The Qarl File
As it turns out, this so called "Qarl" is none other than the now 15 year old girl, Brianna LaHamma, who was sued two years ago by big legal guns in the music industry (as were many other people) because she thought downloading illegal music was "fun". But Brianna was not able to pay the 3,000 fine and so she ended up in a maximum security prison for two years. After her release, she took the name "Qarl" and began a life of hacking the internet as a way of getting back at what she calls "the system". The F.B.I. has been after her for months.
Surprisingly, Brianna participate in our Republic of Tinselman U.S. invasion, but this was only for political gain. She faked her near-fatal injuries as a way of recieving fancy medals for a later Republic of Tinselman political career. (dream on, Brianna!)
The Museum of Dust File
These dudes are hard to crack. They are insane! Insane people! A total danger! Watch out, they will kill you in your sleep.
But at the same time, they can be a hell'uva lotta fun to sit around and talk bull with. Like this representative from the Museum (left). We're both from Texas... so we hit it off right away. We compared ranches, we went out and shot some cows, we dug holes, we hollared a shitload, and then we dumped oil in his neighbor's pond! It was a hoot (and boy... you should have seen the catfish rise straight to the surface)!
Anyway, if I could only deal with him, things would perfect. But then I had to talk to this representative...
I mean what's with this chick?... like some sort of spider in people clothes! And it only made it worse that, not only did I have a hangover like you wouldn't believe, but somehow, during the night, I ended up with this buzz haircut. I felt naked.
Anyway, I kept trying to lighten things up – crack jokes – that sort of thing, but she wouldn't even crack a smile. Instead she just kept showing me photos of Museum of Dust weapons of mass destruction.
Ohh... we're scared!
Actually, we are scared. Here is one of these weapons: they call it Fat Man. It has terrified our weapons experts because they can begin to imagine how it might be used to annialate millions, but I'm almost positive it walks around on those giant legs and crushes people. (And by the way, the Museum of Dust photograph of the attack on our parliament building is a faked for propagandistic reasons. Rest assured; our Parliament building is fine and is continually protected by one of our Ultramen).
I also had something very impressive to show this steely faced reprentative... this small box of model tanks. I swear, it was the only time she smiled: a smile of pure fear. She looked at me, almost quizically, and said, "But these are just plastic models."
Aha! I finally had her cornered! I immediately picked up all her piles of photographs, held them right up in her face, and scream, "But these are just pieces of paper!"
Oh you should have seen her expression. Pure dismay. It was a proud moment in the Republic. And because I believe it's always important to have the last word, I immediately stood up and I began to tear her photos and throw them on the ground and stomp on them. And then I walked out on her.
Unfortunately, I forgot my box of tanks but I don't really care about them.
Hair Loss
There is one little problem. Or feature... whatever way you want to look at it. During my return flight from the meeting I began to notice that I was loosing hair at an expeditious rate. Now that I'm back, I'm completely bald. I hope none of you find this offensive.
Sincerely,
Your Illustrious Khan
Sleep. Sleep. You all fall into a very deep sleep (except for Rupey... he is not meant to hear this message because, as we all know, he's never been one of my true followers).
