republic

Nightmares

Rupey and all,

Yes, I admit. I'm a failure of a leader! What am I doing? In my dreams I am overrun by spiders. I am attacked by hideous, black arachnids!!! I am caught in their webs and slowly sucked dry!

Where have I lead our great nation? The Republic of Tinselman has truly gone to hell in a handbasket this time (oh, I love that phrase)!!! Yes, Rupey, perhaps you've always been right... we are lost! Only Angelina stands beside me (perhaps because we've both been through the whole Hollywood thing).

But will she stay with me, at the end? Will her soft voice whisper in my ear as the spiders attack? Or will she run into the warm arms of Wilmey? Or to you, Rupey?

And now! Even now! I hear the marching hordes of the Museum of Dust, moving down the tunnel behind us! Arm yourselves! It seems my worst nightmares are about to become true!!!

What's This?

What have I done! WHAT...HAVE...I...DONE!

Here we are in this rock... this miserable, dark hole of nothingness, out on an unknown edge of an unknown galaxy! We are all lost! Lost and dying! Face it, people... we're dying! Ahhhhh!

Dying! And we're loosing our minds! I've only been pretending to lead you! There's nothing... absolutely nothing down in this dim pit of a hole of a rock of a planet. Oh God... we've been walking for miles now, and we're almost out of water. And we would have been starving too... if those man-eating cave-wasps had never tried to attack us (and, by-golly, they were huge... but actually pretty tasty!).

And here we are... still walking into this nothingness... this blackness ahead. Walking, walking, walking...

But wait! What's this?! There is a light!

At first, it seems almost blinding. Our eyes have become so accustomed to the darkness of the cave. But in a matter of moments, perhaps seconds, it feels like water pouring over us, and we find ourselves running toward it uncontrollably. It is white: the light of a sun! Or something as bright as the sun! We are famished and we are hungry for this light!

Now here we are, standing together—here, I have brought you—but it is not what we have expected. We emerge from the cave. Before us is a stream. It is about 6 feet wide. It flows away from us the same direction in which we've been walking. A crystal clear stream. We can't help but drink our fill!

Then we notice the multitudes of weirdly shaped statues. They are impossibly shaped creatures, fastened to the ground. Perhaps they are made out of cement... or adobe? Those closest to us are life-sized. Some are smaller. Those further away are gigantic. Titans. Some maybe as large as four stories. Five stories? I can't tell. Even though many have fixed smiles and are colorful, they somehow look alone. And sad. The multitudes eyes seems to watch us.

The Hall of Monitors

This cave thing is a little freaky, folks. And I don't mean freaky-fun.

We've just reached what I am calling the Hall of Monitors. Actually, Wilmey came up the name. I originally said something like, "My God! Look at these amazing television sets! They seem to go on forever! And ever!"

Wilmey said, "You mean 'monitors'?"

Wilmey is always so damn particular about things. So I said to him, "Of course I mean monitors! What does it even matter?!"

And he said, "Fine... whatever."

Arg! That made me furiously full of rage and hot spite! Because I secretly know it does matter! All these little things matter. Because Wilmey was seriously starting to get on my nerves. Ever since he stopped being Super Mopher, every little thing he did just really bugged me. Like... when he takes his socks off at night, he doesn't unwad them; instead, he throws them, all wadded up, into his shows! What a slob! And he squeezes the toothpaste right in the center of the tube (at least I'm almost sure it's him)!

So I said, "Fine, fine... it's monitors! It's whatever the hell you want it to be... Wimpy."

"What did you just say?" he asked me.

"I said it's whatever you want it to be."

"No... you just called me 'wimpy'."

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did!"

"No, I didn't!"

"Yes, you—"

"Well you are! You're a big fat stupid wimp! Your a big wimpy wimp! And you crumple your socks, and you walk around with your shoelaces untied, and sometime you spit, just a little bit, when you talk, and then you——"

"Woah, rocketboy..., chill! This is very un-Kirk-like! Chill. Why don't we all just try to get along. We're in this together, whether we like this or not. Not everybody is crazy about you either, but we're in this together. Aren't we?" And no one has ever said such kind words to me. I wept. And then he held out his arms to me, and we hugged (and I assure you, it was a strong and masculine sort of hug—really more of a quick pat on both shoulders). After this, he said to everyone, "Now let's take a closer look at this 'hall of monitors'." And that's where the name came from... Hall of Monitors.

In truth, there were only about 300 monitors, lining the cave walls, but that's a fair amount—many more than is on the bridge of the Enterprise! It was a bit eerie, because there was no sound coming from them. But there was sound: music. It was "Love Me Tender" by Elvis (and a few other similar songs) but none of us could tell from they were coming from.

The monitors themselves seem to display images from all over the planet, but most of the locations were unfamiliar to us. However we did recognize a couple of locations... because we'd already been there. We were all surprised to see one of the locations at which we'd spent the night, but more startling still was the crash site of the Enterprise! One larger monitor showed us, all standing there, amidst the monitors. Strange.

What is this area? Who uses it? Where are we? These are all unresolved mysteries.

One thing is for sure... someone has been there very recently. There was a chair and a narrow desk in the center of cave; on the desk was a coffee cup which was still half full of warm coffee.

As Wilmey said, "We're all in this together." Anyone have ideas of what to do next?

Exciting Episode!

Attention crew... I've got some good news and then some bad news and then more bad news and then more bad news and then more bad news and then some really stupendous news and then some god awful news.

First the good news, as reported on Rockbridge. We finally found the Khan! Isn't this totally stupendous? There was a lot of celebrating all around. We were all so thrilled to behold his mighty face!

Unfortunately, as again reported on Rockbridge, this Khan turned out to be a fraud. A false Khan, so to speak. He was a robot—and so, amid our disappointment, we burned him at the stake as soon as possible.

Bad news #2: The museum of Dust finally attacked; they attacked with the mad fury of stampeding horses... fiery hooves pounding across a desert of death... and fire. We were overrun! Screaming. Oh, the pain! Spiders everywhere. Nowhere to go. I've never seen so many arachnids. Our phasers were useless... especially against these armored fem-spiders (see photo).

As you all are well aware, the life support for the ship was almost run out. And so: bad news #3: During the attack, all air supplies were finally depleted and we started to die.

Okay, you ready for the stupendous news! Just as the last crew member (who weirdly turned out to be Rupey) was taking in his last breath, suddenly, all the spiders and entire ship and everything else around just sort of disappeared, and we were all breathing normally and were alive again! And then we all heard a voice, and it said, "Holodeck program over. Please leave the holodeck to main ship."

I know this might be a little difficult to digest, but it turns out that this was all part of that holodeck prank we played on you. None of us had ever actually found our way out of the holodeck. We've all been trapped in a virtual Enterprise for... I don't even know how long. Isn't that just a total riot! So I guess it was like a holodeck in a holodeck in a holodeck! Ha! What fun! What a laugh, huh?!

But let's get serious 'cause I've got some more bad news, and you can probably guess what it is. No one's had been taking care of the Enterprise for awhile so, when we emerged from our little adventure, the ship was on a collision course with an unknown planet. And we were still surrounded by the Museum of Dust. The impact was severe. Fortunately, no one was wounded... to the point of death.

The ship will not fly again. We've not been able to find food or water. The Museum of Dust ships are hovering in the air above us. It's looking bad, folks.

Could this be the end of the Republic of Tinselman? Will we all die here on this god-forsaken planet? Will we all be eaten by swarms of spiders and fem-spiders?

Rockbridge

Mopher Boy Wilmey back to normal self... life support practically gone... Museum of Dust has us completely surrounded. Thank the gods (as they say on Battlestar Galatica) I can still get all my vital Republic of Tinselman information from Danxia's Rockbridge Republic of Tinselman blog!

Situation in Decline

As much as I hate to admit it, things aren't going too hot. In fact, they really suck. I could almost make a list of our difficulties!

In fact I will.

1. Mopher Force Ghost Wilmey, after using his supernatural Force Ghost abilities to power our life support systems, is slowly de-evolving back into his former, lower self. I didn't exactly know that something like this could happen and I'm sorta vexed. Really vexed. Because... sheesh!...look at him! It's disgraceful! Who ever heard of a gopher as first mate?! But it's not like I can complain (to his face) because he just says something like really stupid like, "Shut your mouth, Kirk... I'm keeping you all alive!"

Anyway... evidently his power may run out any day now. If that happens, we'll all be dead. Hm. We better find that Khan soon.

2. And that leads me to our second little problem. Our little prank on the holodeck had some consequences. Like this holodeck Khan that somehow escaped from the holodeck. We've all had to live with for the last few days. What an egotistical jerk! If the real Khan is anything like that...! A few of the crew have been trying to lure him back into the holodeck so we can turn him off. No luck so far.

3. And now, our most recent difficulty. Qarl Qhan! Even out here in space, Qarl Qhan continues to suck away at the very lifeblood of the Republic. Like a greedy tic, growing, growing, growing, slowing stretching – expanding – always sucking the blood from behind the neck of a helpless puppy (and I'm not saying we're a helpless puppy!... we're more like a virile young mountain lion... or perhaps a cobra... a nice cobra... a cobra that represents peace and goodness and power).

Anyway, where was I? Qarl. Yes, late last night, Angelina and I were having a drink out on the bridge; that's when this freakish Qarl Qhan message came through. So far we've been unable to decipher it.

If only Rupey were here.

Holodeck Fun

Wow... this holodeck thing is the best! The crew's a bit frustrated because a few of us have been spending most of our time in there. I mean, it's frickin' amazing! So me, Angelina, and Alli — we usually set it for "70's Disco Party" or "Meditaranian Spa" or "Star Wars Adventure" — basically whatever we're in the mood for. It's like... a world within a world!

Anyway, I guess Mopher, Joelson, and Bonnie were finally fed up with us and so they came in after us. What a blast! I told the computer to turn the holodeck into an exact copy of the Enterprise. At first they understood the prank and went searching for us. Mopher was calling up and down the halls. Bonnie played a few songs (and I guess she thought that would entice us out of our hiding places). But the real confusion began when they met a holodeck-Rupey and thought he was the real Rupey. He told them they had to leave the holodeck because there had been an S.O.S. distress signal from a nearby planet. They needed to come immediately to the bridge.

This is where it get's confusing. They followed Rupey out of one holodeck-enterprise and right into another holodeck-enterprise! They walked to their holodeck-bridge and began to listen to their holodeck-distress signal!

Oh my god! We were totally cracking up the entire time! You should have imagined how serious Mopher was taking all of this... in his little Republic of Tinselman uniform. We watched the whole thing!

Anyway, they didn't waste any time sending a craft down to a dangerous holodeck-desert planet where they were forced to search for the holodeck-Robyn Khan, until they found him and rescued him! They were ecstatic! I mean... it's like they worship the guy or something. Crazy.

Guess who was finally waiting for them outside the holodeck? Ha! Yours truly. I just love that thing. I love it!

Anyway, bad news as well. The last of the Ultramen are dead. Too bad. Fortunately, Mopher Force Ghost Wilmey is concentrating his jedi mind power to keep our life support up and running (as we hurl through space uncontrollably).

 

Oblivious

Attention ship! Attention ship! We've been so focused on our problems with Qarl (and finding Robyn, the real Khan), that we've completely forgotten about the Museum of Dust! Just today, I was doing my Jane Fonda workout – a T.V. aerobic workout (which is so totally great for my heart and abs) and suddenly... the screen went blank. And the above transmission began to play. All citizens of the Republic of Tinselman should watch this revealing video; it at last proves the links between The Museum of Dust and The United States.

Immediately after watching, I wasted no time... I finished the rest of my workout. Then, after that, I went to the Museum of Dust blog and, sure enough, it looks like they're coming after us.

Problems Abound

Stardate – 10, 22, 06

This is Captain James T. Kirk. Our five year mission is to seek out new--

... ahh, forget it! I hated that line a' crap! And besides, everything on this ship is going to hell in a handbasket (I love that phrase)! At least I was finally able to import all the RoP comments and posts (in their proper dated sequence) but the computer lost all my handy categories! Crap! And it brought over every post from the Tinselman blog.

Sheesh, my head is hurting! Hell! Uhura... quick! Back massage!

So maybe it's a good thing to have the entire Tinselman database here on the ship with us. After all, it is part of our history!

Anyway, these are piddling concerns compared to the fact that we forgot to install a hyperdrive. Fortunately the Ultramen have volunteered to combine their awesome power and usher us through space at the speed of light. How convenient! One of the them told they might get a bit tired. He said, "Look, we've gotten together, me and guys, and we're willing to do this but you gotta realize it's gonna take a lot out of us."

So I'm thinking... yeah, it's taking a lot out of all of us. What's with all the complaining?

And he says to me, "I don't think you get it. We're under appreciated. Just because we're all huge and silver and have eyes shaped like footballs doesn't mean we don't have feelings too. I mean... everybody expects us to be all supermen or something!"

"You are all supermen."

What imbeciles! At least I can take some solace in my new crew...

Mopher Force Ghost - First Mate
Angelina - Uhura
Alli - Psychic Advisor
Danxia - Person who stands around the bridge looking official
Joelson - Engineer and Cook
Bonnie - Hitchhiker and Songwriter
Ultramen - Protective Envelope
Rupey - P.R. Agent

I wish I could remember if I left anyone out! We may still have time to beam them up from earth!

Note: I was just informed that Danxia has begun a Republic of Tinselman blog. He calls it Rock Bridge. Citizens... the republic is expanding! Celebrate!