The Khan Returns

Your Illustrious Khan and his bodyguard disciples.

Hello faithful citizens! I'm back and I'm lookin' fine, baby! Here I am with a few of my new bodyguards – very official looking – and I've decided to wear white from now on. I think it represents purity and goodness. The citizens will see white and think "there's a Khan who's without blemish." Some citizens have already sworn they've seen a heavenly white light falling across my brow – sort of Jesus-like. I'm thinking of calling it my "Jesus look". And of course, I can't help but think of my guards as my personal "disciples".

Anyway... sorry to gone for so long. I assure you, I conducted a good deal of Republic of Tinselman business during my little "vacation".

The Election

I proclaim myself the winner of this ridiculous little "election"! Do I even need to explain myself?

I have the right to claim victory because no one (other than Qarl) will oppose me in my claim. But more importantly, there were discrepancies in the vote count. We know this is true because I say it's true. I win! Victory to me!

In celebration of my great victory, I've written a new slogan for the Republic! Here it is:

"Rebellion to Tyrants is Obediance to Khan"

Do you hate our Tyrants? Then you will obey me and kill these Tyrants, or you will also be considered a tyrant (or at least this is what Rupert said the slogan meant and he's the one who adapted it from some older slogan).

So who are the greatest tyrants of the Republic? Well that's pretty obvious. We've got Minister Qarl and we've the dreaded Museum of Dust. And while I was on "vacation" I put myself in grave danger in order to investigate both of these terror-mongering entities. You won't believe what I found out!...

The Qarl File

As it turns out, this so called "Qarl" is none other than the now 15 year old girl, Brianna LaHamma, who was sued two years ago by big legal guns in the music industry (as were many other people) because she thought downloading illegal music was "fun". But Brianna was not able to pay the 3,000 fine and so she ended up in a maximum security prison for two years. After her release, she took the name "Qarl" and began a life of hacking the internet as a way of getting back at what she calls "the system". The F.B.I. has been after her for months.

Surprisingly, Brianna participate in our Republic of Tinselman U.S. invasion, but this was only for political gain. She faked her near-fatal injuries as a way of recieving fancy medals for a later Republic of Tinselman political career. (dream on, Brianna!)

The Museum of Dust File

These dudes are hard to crack. They are insane! Insane people! A total danger! Watch out, they will kill you in your sleep.

But at the same time, they can be a hell'uva lotta fun to sit around and talk bull with. Like this representative from the Museum (left). We're both from Texas... so we hit it off right away. We compared ranches, we went out and shot some cows, we dug holes, we hollared a shitload, and then we dumped oil in his neighbor's pond! It was a hoot (and boy... you should have seen the catfish rise straight to the surface)!

Anyway, if I could only deal with him, things would perfect. But then I had to talk to this representative...

I mean what's with this chick?... like some sort of spider in people clothes! And it only made it worse that, not only did I have a hangover like you wouldn't believe, but somehow, during the night, I ended up with this buzz haircut. I felt naked.

Anyway, I kept trying to lighten things up – crack jokes – that sort of thing, but she wouldn't even crack a smile. Instead she just kept showing me photos of Museum of Dust weapons of mass destruction.

Ohh... we're scared!

Actually, we are scared. Here is one of these weapons: they call it Fat Man. It has terrified our weapons experts because they can begin to imagine how it might be used to annialate millions, but I'm almost positive it walks around on those giant legs and crushes people. (And by the way, the Museum of Dust photograph of the attack on our parliament building is a faked for propagandistic reasons. Rest assured; our Parliament building is fine and is continually protected by one of our Ultramen).

I also had something very impressive to show this steely faced reprentative... this small box of model tanks. I swear, it was the only time she smiled: a smile of pure fear. She looked at me, almost quizically, and said, "But these are just plastic models."

Aha! I finally had her cornered! I immediately picked up all her piles of photographs, held them right up in her face, and scream, "But these are just pieces of paper!"

Oh you should have seen her expression. Pure dismay. It was a proud moment in the Republic. And because I believe it's always important to have the last word, I immediately stood up and I began to tear her photos and throw them on the ground and stomp on them. And then I walked out on her.

Unfortunately, I forgot my box of tanks but I don't really care about them.

Hair Loss

There is one little problem. Or feature... whatever way you want to look at it. During my return flight from the meeting I began to notice that I was loosing hair at an expeditious rate. Now that I'm back, I'm completely bald. I hope none of you find this offensive.

Sincerely,
Your Illustrious Khan

Comments

[Adam Wilmer]

Bald Khan? Eh, I can deal. It's not what the Khan looks like, its all about the Kung-fu he wields. And Robyn's is the best Kung-Fu! (which as I understand in its native Chinese is actually pronounced Gung-Fu, but who gives a poop)

[Adam Wilmer]

By the way, I found a pic of you looking all Khanly and Presidential, sent it off to your email box, should be arriving anytime now...

[Angelina]

Yes! Totally! I love the bald head! And way to bring back the leisure suit! Oh Khan, you're totally my own personal Jesus...

Okay not really, but I love the look! Very messianic. I'm gonna get Brad to wear one of these things! Let's see more photos! Or maybe some of us Minister could get together for a meeting?

Angelina

[Khan]

Woah Angelina... Patience. Your destiny lies along a different path. Remember... there is "another". And I have already destined you for Force Ghost Wilmey. You cannot escape your fate. Even now, you know that you and the Force Ghost are being drawn toward one another. So it is written: "And he shall be called Father and she shall be called Mother, and from their pure and untainted loins shall be born a child without stain... and this is the rebirth of Republic of Tinselman."

My new white suit allows me to say such things.

[Angelina]

Khan... uh... what exactly do you mean by "pure and untainted loins"?

[Eleri]

Wow. Kahn in White. And here I thought the only Miller to have groupies and screaming fangirls a la rockstar was "The Hippie" brother. Perhaps our Kahn has divested himself of his hair in an effort to balance out the cosmic forces of Miller Hair thrown out of whack by the longer locks of his elder sibling.

[Alli]

Man, you fall asleep for five minutes, and look what happens....
Nice look, though. Very short. Very commanding. Very soft and fluffy-looking. Very Khanly.

[Khan]

Alli, thank you! And I'm sure you've already noticed that the mere mention my win has frightened that Qarl weakling away! I predict he won't dare show his face again.

[Alli]

Yes, he hasn't dared darken our doorways since you returned. He came, he saw, he ran away very quickly.
Great Khan, now that it seems that the threat of coup is over from Qarl and his dusty minions, could the silver star squadron remain as a permanent establishment, sort of like the SS/CIA/seals? Danxia did get pretty good at digging up all that dirt, after all. Just a thought...not to contradict your masterful prediction, but qarl did seem to be a confused, power-crazed sort of person; he might return in the distant future for another go once he has tended to his injured pride and gathered a larger force.

[qarl]

people people people.

i have some shocking news. i know it will be ignored by the Khan's devoted disciples - but i put it out there so that somewhere, somehow the truth is known.

the Khan asked me to take over.

know thy leader.

QQQ.

[JoelsonCarl]

How do we solve this conundrum posed by Qarl's statement (if it even is one)? We ask the Khan!

If it is...

1) True - Oh well. He's the Khan (and he's without blemish).

2) False - We will believe him if he claims it as false because... he's the Khan!

Also, I agree with Alli and would love it if the Silver Star Squadron could remain. It would be even more to add to the wonderful Uncyclopedia article.

*after checking Uncyclopedia*
OH MY GOSH! Has our article been deleted? I can not find the Republic of Tinselman!

[Danxia]

"Normal Again"

Ranch holiday really a business trip.
Sky full of killer fake photos,
Which really walk on the ground.
Election result called 4 days early.
Winner of election, now balding,
Asks the loser, now a 15 year old girl,
To be leader, allegedly.

D.T.

[Mark]

Some very insightful analysis in today's blog, Robyn. Well worth reading again!

[Sum Juan]

Rupey Rupey Rupey! You really pulled a swifty on the YIK didn't you! If you weren't fully occupied on the tiny islands off RoTs borders explaining cross-media ownership laws to the Zymoglyphic Mermaid and Jenny Hanniver, I'd order Admin. to have your babies.

[Sum Juan Elsa]

BTW not that I'm concerned at all -- but that photograph of Museum of Dust's supermarine fleet destroying the RoT elephant of parliment are entirely accurate. The reason that the YIK only had one Ultraman to protect it was that the rest were busy down at the harbour... providing dinner for the isopods and cuddle-toys for the giant jellyfish...

[Rupey]

Surn Juan,

I have already spoken to your boss about this ridiculous matter. Any misunderstanding on her part has now been straightened out.

Rupey

[Bonnie]

Ooh! Wow! Look! There he goes! Just like back in 1979 when I was in Washington DC and saw Jimmy Carter's entourage pull up to the White House! Amazing! And I got this great bumper sticker at the hotel gift shop today:
http://bpgisme.com/extra/bumpersticker.jpg

[Mark]

Nice sticker!